Conversations With God: After Miscarriage & Pregnancy Lossনমুনা

Day I : My Story

I lost my son in November 2019, and it was one of the most excruciating, depressing, questioning seasons of my life. Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mom. So, when the time came to try for a child, I was beyond excited, and eventually, we became pregnant. I was so excited, and my family was too.

When the time came to discover the gender, I couldn't contain the joy I was experiencing. Tuesday morning, we were finding out the gender of our unborn child; but that Monday night changed my life in ways I never expected.

I went to the hospital with unfamiliar pressure in my pelvis. The hospital staff asked how far along I was, gave me a band, and said someone would get to me as soon as possible. Hours went by, and eventually, hours later, I gave birth to my child, stillborn.

The nurse asked me, "Do you want to see them?" I immediately responded, "No." I then thought I would always regret not knowing the gender and replied, "Yes. I do." The nurse handed my child to me and said, "It was a boy." I had always wanted a boy, and I prayed and wished for a boy.....the grief that came over me was unbearable, and in the days to come, I felt and experienced emotions I had never had in my life.

I hope in this devotional that I can walk with you for a couple of days after your loss or possibly, even give you a chance to process a past loss.

We will process some feelings and thoughts you may be experiencing or experienced, and I hope to be able to guide you with questions and give you a space to be completely vulnerable with God.

I know it's hard to feel the way you do right now. I know exactly how you are feeling. But I also hope that you realize that God loves you, He is with you, and He was even there with you when you lost your child. He will be there when you seek Him. He will be there when you are angry. He will be there when you are upset. He loves you, and no matter what, He is with you.