When a Couple Loses a Baby: a Man's Perspectiveনমুনা

Struggle # 3: I felt like a failure.

I couldn’t keep this loss from happening, and so I felt like a failure. This thought looped in my brain like a broken record, “There was nothing I could do… nothing I could have done to save my child!”

I felt so weak. With each of our pregnancies, I questioned if I could provide for and protect my child. And with the little ones we lost, I felt incapable of doing either of those. I failed to provide a safe and healthy start to life, and I failed to protect our older boys from the pain of loss. I wish I had been able to protect Ashley from hurt as well, and when we faced loss, I wasn’t always successful at supporting her in the ways she needed.

I felt weak, and the hurt that came along with that sense of failure was intense.

As I processed my feelings, I reminded myself that only God holds the power of life. This could have created another struggle where I became tempted to blame God. However, when I read Scripture, I see many accounts where God is grieved by death. So although He has the ultimate power, He has created systems where He allows others to act. In Job, we see that Satan was allowed to murder much of Job’s family. Though Job could have turned his back on God, he didn’t. I want to be faithful like Job.

Additionally, I found comfort knowing that no one, including Ashley and God, expected me to prevent this from happening. When my family looked at me, they didn’t see a failure.

As I reflect upon my inadequacies, I acknowledge that it is healthy to want to protect my family as much as possible, but it is also okay to admit that I don’t have ultimate control. I am not God, and His Word reminds me that my weakness makes way for His power (2 Cor. 12:9). I will continue to worship Him through difficult seasons.

Though I feel like a failure from time to time, I choose to run to God’s Word for comfort and direction.

God,

As I learn to trust You and follow You more, show me how to process my pain by running to You, my strong and mighty Father. I know I can’t do it all or fix everything, but I can boldly draw close to You and teach others to do the same. It’s hard, but I want to depend on You and not myself.

Amen.