Living Changed: In Marriageনমুনা

Healing

When you get married and move in together, you both bring a lot with you. Your artwork, his favorite chair, your coffee mug collection, his game console, and a truckload of boxes filled with your possessions. While you may argue over what to keep and what to toss, it’s actually your unseen baggage that’s most harmful to your marriage.

Whether you recognize it or not, you likely started your marriage with unhealed wounds from past relationships. Maybe an old boyfriend or ex-husband didn’t pay enough attention to you and left you feeling unwanted. Maybe a parent or sibling constantly tore you down so that now you’re afraid to speak your mind. Whatever your wounds may be, it’s important to identify them so their effects don’t linger and cause tension in your marriage.

Think about what triggers anger or sadness in you. Sometimes the smallest thing can set us off. That’s usually an indication of an unhealed wound.

Once you figure out the words or actions that upset you, consider why. Ask God to help you identify the root cause of your reaction and allow Him to bring you comfort and healing. You may want to visit with a counselor for additional help in identifying your wounds and dealing with your past. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of humility and wisdom.

As you deal with the pain in your past, you may realize you’ve been holding back forgiveness from someone who has hurt you. You may not think they deserve to be forgiven, but I urge you to choose forgiveness anyway. We follow a forgiving God who, through Christ, gave us a clean slate that we didn’t earn or deserve. As Christ-followers, we’re called to be like Him and forgive, even when forgiveness is undeserved. Make the choice to let go of the anger and let go of the pain. Choose to trust God with the outcome because He is just. God wants you to forgive because more than anything, He wants you to be free from the unforgiveness causing bitterness in your heart.

As you work through forgiveness, ask God to replace the negative thoughts and pain with His truth. He alone can mend the broken pieces of your heart and create beauty from ashes. Ask God to soften your heart toward others and to help you see yourself as He sees you. When you allow God to heal your wounds and make you whole, you’re less likely to respond to your husband out of fear, offense, or doubt.

Healing your wounds will bring health to your marriage. However, it’s not just the pain in your past that you have to deal with. You also have to choose to forgive the everyday offenses like the dishes building up in the sink and the socks that landed beside but not in the hamper. You have to forgive the careless remarks and the forgotten anniversaries. Forgiveness is something that has to happen all the time.

Your husband isn’t perfect and he never will be. Just like you, he needs grace. He’s also not every man who has ever hurt you. Don’t jump to conclusions and assume the worst of him. Instead, have a conversation and discuss things openly. Whenever possible, be quick to forgive the minor offenses and live at peace with one another.

As you heal, you may be tempted to point out the triggers and wounds you see in your husband. While it may come from a good place of wanting him to find healing alongside you, do your best to hold your tongue. Let your healing journey speak for itself. God will stir your husband’s heart in His perfect timing, and the change he sees in you will truly be the best form of encouragement.