And It Was Beautifulনমুনা

What Matters

With only two or maybe three brain cells that want to function, it was probably not wise for me to hide the Christmas presents. I keep thinking I need to find them all and remind myself what I purchased. Before my last chemo, I tried to get a lot done. This year has been so hard, I really wanted Christmas to not be a bummer. I’m not sure what I have or what I’ve hidden it. With four kids, I have secret fears of one having lots to open while another only has a few. Ugh.

One of the things we’ve learned this crazy year, it to enjoy the moments. The thing about suffering is it makes the sweet moments so much sweeter. I know people who only want to sign up for the party, only want to hear the good news. That simply has not been reality, or our reality anyway. The joy in the mundane feels so much more real when sadness has been walked through and tasted.

One evening one of the kids came in our room because of a nightmare. Our practice in such moments is to scoot over, snuggle, and pray with our child. Once he or she has fallen back asleep, Jason transfers them back to their bed. Of course sometimes we all just fall sound asleep and wake up with someone’s foot in our face. But on this particular night I was sick and awake, trying to pass the time on Pinterest or TasteSpotting. All at once she began to rub my neck and my head. My first instinct was to tell her to stop and go back to sleep. But as I lay there, I realized a new compassion and love that had grown in her through our difficult year. Even with all the hardships, our children had grown in hospitality and love. They had learned to welcome and love strangers. They had learned flexibility. And they had grown in grace.

I think even if the scales of Christmas morning come out a little unbalanced because of their flighty mom, maybe our kids will have some sense of what suffering has taught us this year. Maybe we’ll all be a little more acquainted with kindness in our daily struggles. Maybe that’s what really matters. Maybe that’s the best gift, the one we really need.

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