Conflict as a Catalystনমুনা

I remember some of the early arguments I had with my husband Mike. They were on important things like how much to spend on an extension cord, or why Mike always seemed to eat a huge bowl of cereal right after eating a small portion of the meal I had just prepared for dinner! 

Conflict is unavoidable. All couples disagree about something—money, the in-laws, sex, who does the laundry. But has it ever dawned on you that what you argue about is far less important than how you argue?

A couple can do incredible damage to the trust and safety in a relationship even as they argue about what kind of toothpaste to buy. Name-calling, criticizing each other’s character, bullying with threats, or even stonewalling to avoid conflict will leave a lasting impact long after the argument has been resolved. The true issue is seldom what you are bickering about, but how you treat each other in the process.

While you may be making your case for why you should go to your parents’ house for the holidays, you are also asking your husband, “Do you understand me? Are you listening? Can I count on you to consider my needs?” Your husband is silently asking similar questions like, “Do you respect my opinion? Do you care about me as much as you care about getting your way?”

Many marriage casualties happen when spouses are so invested in winning the argument that they lose the big picture of love. Conflict always presents choices: Will I be defensive or receptive? Cowardly or courageous? Humble or self-righteous? Merciful or stubborn? 

So, go ahead and argue. But remember what you are really arguing for. 

CONTEMPLATING CONFLICT: 

When you are experiencing conflict with your spouse, are you frequently able to assess "how" and "why" you are in conflict?  Are you more inclined to focus on your own views, or are you able to be receptive to theirs as well? 

CONFLICT AS CATALYST: 

Here is an action step you can utilize in times of conflict: BREATHE THEN PROCEED. Before you respond to your spouse, breathe then proceed. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself these two questions: Am I fighting from a place of love or from a place of selfishness? Do I desire resolution in this moment or my own way? Try to think about these two perspectives as you navigate the conflict.  If you allow yourself to breathe then proceed, you just may save yourself from replying in a way you wish you never would have.