Finding My Fatherনমুনা

“Hello, It’s Me”

I’m not sure anyone knows the depth and complexity of a woman’s heart, other than God the Father of course. In fact, when we read Bible stories involving women, I think all too often they are stereotyped. Esther was the “pretty one”, Martha was the “busy one”, and even Mother Mary was simply “Jesus’ Mother”. I believe these women were so much more, and still as I grew older, I couldn’t find “the more” in me. The hole that my father left remained open, sore and guarded for years.

When I met my husband and fell in love, I began to find myself. I began to heal. The process was slow and agonizing. My husband has some crazy stories concerning those times. Maybe he should write a documentary on “Surprise Baggage”. I was blessed enough to find someone who was willing to walk through the hurt with me.

He is a pastor’s kid with the best voice and heart to match, and church was his second home. At the time, he was a worship leader and I began to lead as well.

After we were married and I became a mother, I knew I could no longer hold any resentment or hurt. My son needed a spiritually and emotionally healthy mom. I did not want to be the kind of parent my dad had been. I healed some more. I’ve found out on this 36-year journey that walking in forgiveness is a choice. Every day you choose to forgive is another day farther away from bitterness, from hurt, from anger. It is a battle not to give in to generational curses that have been gifted you. A battle sometimes won, sometimes lost.

One day I was leading worship. The spirit of God was so heavy in the room and I felt such peace and joy. I was down on my knees basking in his Presence when I heard a whisper, “You found me”. I knew it was Jesus. Could it be that simple?

Had I ever lost him? No. It can feel like that way sometimes, but he’s never hidden from us. It became clear to me that I had made the journey all about my natural father, but Jesus was just waiting for me to see that He’s been there all 10,000+ days of my struggle.

In an instant the memories came rushing back, memories that I didn’t know existed. Have you ever watched a movie and at the very end they show you a character that you never paid attention to and they were in every scene?! Yes, it was that kind of moment! Pictures flooded my mind; the late night rides with my mom... Jesus in the backseat with me. As a teenager walking to the altar... Jesus waiting at the end, smiling arms opened to me. All the partying I had done, Jesus making sure no harm would come to me. As a young woman on her wedding day... Jesus walking me down the aisle. It was in this simple moment, in a position of total surrender on my knees, that I had finally found my Father! I was no longer an orphan; I was adopted into His kingdom.