Rise Of The Truth Teller By Ashley Abercrombieনমুনা

Day Two

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Scripture: 1 John 4:18

In order to survive when I was growing up, I had to act a certain way in specific environments. Don’t cuss at school unless you’re trying to impress friends in a place where the adults can’t hear. Do cuss at the Y to fit in with the other kids. Don’t “get above your raising” by seeming too educated or smart. Be an easy audience; smile and look pretty. Don’t speak unless spoken to, especially around important people. Fight to be heard, and remember: if there is a problem, fix it or control it, and if you can’t do one of those, then take it out on yourself. And by no means should you just relax and be yourself—unless you are completely alone and no one is present or watching. 

In other words, hide. 

Environments outside of my economic, academic, or athletic bracket made me more earnest to please people in order to be accepted. Other times, I acted indifferent, even though all my alarm bells were ringing inside. When people made fun of me, ignored me, or pushed past my boundaries, I pretended like I didn’t care to protect myself, and endured until I could flee the situation. 

My life felt disjointed, like puzzle pieces in a box, never fully assembled. I was often out of touch with my body and what I thought, felt, and needed. I didn’t always recognize when I was hurting, and if I did, I would work hard to ignore the pain, or even harm myself so I could carry on with the façades. As I got older, I used alcohol and drugs and stayed in dysfunctional relationships where I would repeat the trauma. By making myself into what the other person wanted, filling their needs so I could be a perfect savior and they, the perfect mess, I never had to focus on my own needs, dreams, and desires. 

My inability to face my fears or sit with the truth meant I was living a masked existence. That’s no way to live, and it’s about as far from being whole as possible. And since I wasn’t whole, that meant I wasn’t capable of walking in forgiveness. But it’s forgiveness that leads us to wholeness. It’s perfect love that drives out fear (1 John 4:18). That’s what we’ll be diving into tomorrow.

In what ways do you hide your true thoughts or feelings—your true self?