Finding You Againনমুনা

Imagine being a teacher of middle school girls. 

You’re teaching on how to develop plans for their futures. Discussions of future professions will inevitably be part of that discussion. “I want to be a lawyer. I hope to be a teacher. One day, I will become the next President of the United States!” they may scream. It is likely that the conversation will evolve into college plans, goals, and career paths. And perhaps the discussion will turn to future social plans. Some of the girls may begin to discuss their future children and spouses and what they hope their lives will one day become. How many do you think will shout, “I want to be a single mom and parent my children alone”?

Single parenthood isn’t generally the plan. It is the arrival of an unexpected twist or turn. It doesn’t matter whether you arrived to single parenthood through a failed relationship, death, or any number of other circumstances, there is often trauma associated with the journey. The loss of what once was can seem too much to bear. The death of a dream – the dream of a future with a loved one – is hard to accept. And yet, here is where you find yourself. What do you do now?

You must grieve; then, you must heal. Now, there will be many participating in this devotional series who are new to single parenthood, but many others who have been on the path for some time. That doesn’t matter. In order to move on from trauma of any kind, we must grieve, first. Too many are busy trying to find their healing, when they haven’t grieved the loss! And too often, single moms are so busy plowing out their to-do list, juggling carpool and two jobs, or simply trying to keep their heads above water that they don’t take the time to grieve. If we don’t take the time to appropriately grieve, we struggle to find the healing. And our healing is for our children, our families, but most importantly – for us!

There are a variety of stages to the grieving process and it looks a little different for each of us. 

Those stages of grief can include shock, anger, denial, or bargaining. But ultimately, there has to be forgiveness and acceptance. We’ll camp out on forgiveness in a future devotional, but for now, let’s talk about grief.

Part of grief is shock absorption. Have you ever thought or even said, “I just cannot believe he is gone. I can’t believe this has happened.” Even when marriages have problems, we often don’t think the result will be divorce. Even when sickness comes, it’s often hard for us to grasp when a loved one actually passes away. The shock of trauma is often the worst part! We are just so stunned that THAT actually happened. Grieve the loss. It’s okay to not be okay for a season. It’s okay to move through anger and hang out there for a while. It’s okay to move into denial or bargaining seasons. But true healing is moving through the stages of grief, and then moving on. That is our goal. Grieving, Healing, Moving on. It can be hard and the journey can be long and difficult, but the important thing is that you remember, your healing will come. Your journey will move on. Your God has not left you.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. -Ecclesiastes 3:1

Life can throw us some unbelievable twists and turns, can’t it? I have never sat with a group of women at a Bible study or ladies’ gathering who said, “Life has turned out exactly how I expected it to!” Not once. Ever. We are thrown curveballs, left and right, that we are often unprepared for, including unspeakable hurts. Whether it be a painful divorce, the death of a loved one, abuse, addiction, enduring an unfavorable health report, betrayal, or a number of other things, finding healing from hurts can be a long, lonely road.

The following twelve suggestions are tools that have proven to be successful when journeying through healing. 

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all and not every tip will work in your individual case. But more often than not, when we’ve allotted an appropriate grieving time and then, made the decision to heal from past hurts (and put into action that decision), that is exactly where the Lord will meet us with his embracing grace and wholeness.

1. Read a good book. This is a simple task. Yet, book reading is a dying art that we don’t take the time to do anymore. Avoid the television and over-saturation of social media. Instead, use your down time to dive into a good book. It’s calming, relaxing, and a way to grow and learn and hear from the Lord. Stay in the Bible every day. There is strength found in the Word (even when you don’t feel like it or it doesn’t seem to be doing anything particular for you)! Just the experience of holding a book and embracing a few moments alone can be life-changing. Silence is where life is often found. (Can we get an “amen” from all the exhausted moms of busy toddlers?)
2. Turn your cell phone off for one hour each day. Yes, we do mean completely off. Believe it or not, the world will survive without you for an hour. Unplug from everything. Embrace the quiet and still and calm. We have become a culture of too-busy, too-quick, and too-impatient. And unfortunately, the modern conveniences of a cell phone can be bridled with text messages, emails, missed calls, and distractions that only further overwhelm and prohibit you from focusing on self-care.
3. Start a blog, vlog, or personal journal. Sharing your personal journey, if only with yourself, is quite therapeutic. It also allows you the great gift of going back to what God has done in your life over the course of weeks, months, and years. It allows you to become thankful for how God is moving, even when we forget. You never have to share it with a soul! But you’ll be doing it for you and give yourself a voice to grieve and to heal.
4. Seek counseling. All of us need a professional from time to time. This can be done through a licensed counselor or through a life coach or seasoned lay counselor at your church. Sometimes, simply sharing the journey and getting Godly advice is just what you need to spark your journey to healing. (Note: Many churches offer free counseling).
5. Have a one-hour meeting with a friend each week. Simply go for coffee and a girl chat. You don’t have to focus on your problems or solutions or even the past. Simply sit and enjoy some girl time. Focus on how they are doing, what their hopes and dreams are, etc. It gives you a brief time to not focus on your own problems. Plus, we are all better together.
6. Leave your house regularly. Again, this seems like a simple one, but when we are going through a trauma or overcoming an obstacle, we tend to want to retreat and isolate. Isolation is dangerous. Do not allow yourself to do so! When it’s hard to get out of bed, do it anyway. It’ll be easier the next time, then the next.
7. Make a monthly date with your kids. Kids of all ages enjoy time with mom. Money may be tight, but you can call one day a month “mommy-kid-day” and you can even plan activities in your home. This is a small way to make your kids feel special and wanted and safe and comfortable. And again, this is a small way to promote your own healing.
8. Write a daily affirmation. Each day, find one thing about yourself that you like, are proud of, or that God’s word says about you. When you are down, go back and read your affirmations.
9. Maintain your physical health. We know this is sometimes easier said than done. However, your physical health has a direct impact on your emotional health and vice versa. Take care of you – inside and outside!
10. Pursue hobbies. Keep yourself busy. Simple things keep your mind busy and allow you to find joy in small activities.
11. Serve someone else. Who are you serving? Volunteerism is a way to see others’ problems. It can be a friend, sister, or total stranger. Serve someone. This is a great practice to show your children, even from an early age. Giving to others is a great way to enhance our community and increase our own sense of well-being.
12. Create a support system. Become involved in a single moms’ support group or women’s Bible study near you. There is power in gathering. Be active in your local church. A healthy church can change your life.

Points to Ponder

• Where are you in your healing process right now? What words would you use to describe your emotional and spiritual state today? Would they be words of freedom and hope? Or of bondage and hurt?
• Describe someone who has been healed in the Bible. What is their reaction?
• If you would say that you are still trying to find healing from your past, what obstacles have been in your way?
• What does Scripture say about healing? Which Scriptures can you refer back to?
• What are three things from the list above that you can implement into your routing next week?
• Write a prayer asking God for healing from your past.