Keeping It on Lockdownናሙና

SEX WAS NOT A MISTAKE

It all began with a video that went viral. A video I posted of my husband and I on our wedding night, dancing in the back seat of a car as our friends drove us to our honeymoon hotel at the Royal Hawaiian in Oahu. A whopping two and a half million people watched that video. Still, it wasn't so much our dance moves that impressed them as much as it was the words bannered across the screen: POV you were a 33-year-old virgin & now it's your wedding night heading to your honeymoon hotel & about to have guilt-free holy matrimony sex. The floodgates of trolls were unleashed in my comments. But I’m no stranger to sharing my life with the world-- I published my diary and journey of being single, for crying out loud. My post was meant to celebrate our love. I had no idea it would open the door to so much criticism and scrutiny.

After my video went viral, I couldn’t keep up with the questions about WHY and HOW my husband and I chose to save sex for marriage. It became apparent that abstinence is a long-lost fairytale that died with the purity movement. Shockingly, the majority of hateful comments came from either Christians or ex-Christians who were shaming me for promoting "toxic purity culture"-- which truly couldn't be further from the truth. So, being an author and someone who deeply cares about cultural transformation, I decided to respond with a solution instead of defending my Instagram reputation. I pray this devotional creates a paradigm shift for you and your future as you seek to deepen your beliefs and choose wisely in dating. This devo is uniquely designed to touch on practical wisdom to inspire Biblical discipline and self-control. However, I strongly encourage you to read my other plan, 'Slay The Sexy Dragon,' which takes you deeper into the spiritual strongholds that hold many believers captive in navigating their sexual desires God's way.

Before I get down to the nitty-gritty (I hope you read that in a Nacho Libre voice), let’s agree on one thing: sex is a product of intelligent design. This isn’t a debate about religion or theology. My agenda with this guide is not to Bible-thump you with fear and guilt trip you into dating Jesus. But if you came here for the Truth, you can count on me to deliver the hard evidence I've excavated from Biblical scripture & scientific research to equip you with your own revelatory experience. Suppose we can agree that sex was created by an intelligent designer & not the product of evolution. In that case, we can approach the following with a sense of conviction outside our own predisposition of “morality.”

All I ask is that you set your preconceived ideas aside and keep an open mind as you read the following. *Shakes hand*

MARRIAGE BENEFITS

What is the purpose of the design of sex? Many will say the purpose of sex is pure pleasure, but if that were the case, then it would be pleasurable for both men & women every time (& we both know that ain’t the truth). If the purpose were solely for procreation, then women would get pregnant every time (let‘s just take a moment of silence to thank God this is not the case). So if neither of these possible outcomes of sex is the uniquely designed sole PURPOSE, then what is?

I believe sex was designed for the purpose of marriage, for the binding of something called a ‘covenant,’ which is an unbroken agreement and commitment between a husband and wife. Marriage is special-- at least, by definition, it is. Though in our culture, marriage has become a passive context for two people to throw a party, buy a house, and start a family.

But the covenant of marriage was designed for so much more than a piece of paper that gives you a little sense of security to lock down your baby-daddy. Suppose the function of sex was made to serve the unity, intimacy, trust, bond, love, & commitment between a husband and wife. What makes sexual intimacy in non-married relationships any different than those who are married? Sex added as an ingredient to non-marital relationships creates what I call the ‘marriage effect’-- meaning marriage benefits without the ring, commitment, and most importantly, covenant. You may be thinking, “Well, I don’t believe in marriage, so what does it matter.” Truthfully, suppose we were to look at it through the lens of pure facts. In that case, statistically, it is proven that those who remained abstinent or had fewer partners before getting married have a 20% more fulfilling marriage that is long-lasting than those who were sexually active.

“If a person’s goal is a successful, lifelong marriage, sexual inexperience seems to be the strongest path toward that. At the very least, it’s not harming anyone,” Carroll told the Deseret News. (Source: The Deseret News article & Wheatley Institute data)

So let me ask you this: what is YOUR goal? Is it marriage? Is it a non-married-committed relationship but with marriage benefits? Is it playing house to test the waters and see how things turn out? As disciples of Jesus, these goals are in misalignment with honoring Him. Many people today, even Christians, are living in a default state of belief systems that are incongruent with both their goals and relationship with Christ. The well-worn path of living together, cohabitating, and sleeping together before marriage is a road that is well traveled and culturally normal-- but friend, the road to destruction isn't paved with glass. It's a comfortable and easy journey to compromise.

So, I would like to pose the challenge of getting clear on what your goal truly is. If it’s a successful, lifelong marriage, then there is a PATH to success in arriving at that destination. If your goal in your faith is to have a love relationship with Christ where you hear His voice, obey His commands, and live a life that honors Him, then there is a narrow path that leads you to that destination. If your goal is to just wing it, then by all means, “You do you, boo boo.” However, I will warn you that a fulfilling, sexually healthy life isn’t found by chance. It’s a product of intentional thought, belief, and disciplines that are future-focused toward the goal of your desired outcome. Take some time to write down your faith goal and your goal for your future relationship. Read the scriptures selected for today and ask God to reveal to you any misalignments you've had in your life that have taken the benefits of marriage out of context and distorted the path you've been on.