God Help Me, I’m Grievingናሙና

Grief Is Personal

There is no one right way to grieve. Each person experiences and expresses loss in a way that is unique due to his or her personality, style, beliefs, support system, and situation.

It’s worth noting that there are some differences in the grieving styles of men and women. Not every man or woman will exhibit these behaviors, but knowing these gender-specific tendencies may help you better understand a specific individual’s response to loss.

Men typically process their grief silently and alone, have difficulty allowing themselves to cry, need to blame someone or something for their loss, have a need to fix the pain of others, and feel a sense of helplessness.

Women typically process grief in conversations with family and friends, cry easily, focus on understanding why a loss occurred, feel a sense of hopelessness, and want to know how others are feeling.

My husband and I are prime examples of these differences in grieving styles between men and women. His father and my father passed away within two months of each other. My father-in-law had been ill. My father, in contrast, passed away suddenly with no indication that anything was wrong.

My husband’s response to his father’s death was typical of many men. He had little desire to share his feelings, cried maybe twice, and was focused on taking care of business. Following the funeral, he wanted to get away from everyone as quickly as possible.

My response to my father’s death was very different. The tears seemingly would not stop. I found great comfort in sharing my pain with trusted friends. Following the funeral, I was overwhelmed with grief and appreciated being around family and friends for support.

Our needs and responses were different. Differences in grieving styles can cause tension in relationships and lead to arguments, harsh words, and bitterness. We had to learn to be aware of the other’s needs and respond to each other based on those needs. We each had to move through the grief process in our own way and in our own time.

Recognize that your movement through the grief process will not look like anyone else’s. Even when you share a loss with others, keep in mind that you each had a unique relationship with the person you are grieving. You have your own personality, history, beliefs, and support system. Grief is personal, so be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32).