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But Why?

 “But why?”

All parents will eventually be faced with this question. In their full form, these words are often accompanied by sad eyes, a quivering lip, and a voice on the edge of a meltdown. We might try to assuage our children with carefully thought out explanations. We might even quote Bible verses, but the more we talk, the worse the situation gets. 

Sometimes it seems our words are going over our kid’s head. That’s because they probably are. Young brains are not developed enough to be able to process all of our reasons. Often, the emotions surrounding being told “no” are so strong, they cannot hear anything else.

Yet, even if our children manage to keep their composure, parenting young kids via negotiation doesn’t end well. It gives far too much power to the child. By the time the teenage years come along, we will have already negotiated away most of our parental rights.

Children need to be taught to obey us, even if they don’t agree with us. “Because I said so,” is a valid response at times. This is called positional authority—they listen and obey because you are the parent. This is similar to authority that a teacher or police officer would have in your child’s life. They obey first and ask questions later.

Exercising positional authority is important to establish, but parents can get into trouble if they rely solely on positional authority throughout the entirety of their child’s development. It can also be problematic for another close family member, like a stepparent, who by nature of the blended relationship, often has less positional authority than they realize. 

As children get older, they need to slowly be invited into the decision-making process. Without relinquishing your authority, begin to expose them to your logic. Help them to understand the “why” behind your decisions. When you do this, your goal becomes less about securing their compliance, and more about teaching them to make good decisions themselves. Slowly, they choose to listen to you, not because you make them, but because they trust you and agree with your logic. 

The next step is to give them the freedom to fail in order to test and examine their own “whys.” It can be scary, but by allowing them to experience the natural consequences of some poor choices when they are young, they can avoid much more serious consequences later in life.

When our children can embrace our “why,” it makes the task of releasing them much easier because we can be sure of the direction they are headed.

Pray: Lord, help me stay close to You so that the “why” that I teach my children is really Your “why.”

For more help listen to, “Teaching Your Child to be Wise” on FamilyLifeToday.com.