Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is BrokenНамуна

I always thought the belief that one’s life flashes before his or her eyes right before death was exaggerated - that is, until I sat on that couch and stared into my husband’s distraught face while a tornado of thoughts, worries, memories, and questions swirled across my mind. 

At first my questions were a stuttered series of single words: What? When? Where? And of course the all-time favorite question asked by thousands when thrown into unwanted circumstances: Why? But then, the questions progressed to more in-depth ones complete with a desire for every, little detail.

If betrayal has arrived on your marital doorstep, the likelihood that you are wanting to ask questions of your spouse is high. We’re curious if the betrayal happened when we were caring for our children at home or working hard at work to provide for our spouse. Basically, we want to know when it was that our spouse made a fool of us. 

Sometime during the first year after Chris’ confession, I finally made a decision. We were discussing the past, and I don’t remember exactly what I asked him, but it had something to do with an encounter he had with a woman. He very gently took my hand and said, “Babe, I’ll answer any questions you ask for the rest of my life. But will my answer make you feel any better?”

I looked into his eyes and knew he was right. His answer wouldn’t make me feel better. 

When we start down the “asking questions” path, it almost always comes from a place of fear within us. Our hearts start beating faster, and we literally don’t have the physical or mental strength to stop moving forward in our quest for answers. Because of this, we have to stop asking questions. Or it just might kill us.

When curiosity gets the best of us and we want to ask our spouse a question, we must first ask ourselves two questions: Why do I need to know this and will the answer help me heal? More times than not, asking the question and receiving an answer will only hurt us more. Sometimes a question is worth asking but my experience tells me that those cases are rare. 

Spend some time today writing down the questions you want to ask your spouse about the betrayal you’ve experienced. If the answers will only hurt you, don’t ask them. If they could help, choose an appropriate time to ask your spouse.