Getting Dating RightНамуна

How to Break Up

We’ve talked about dating in general—what it’s not and what it can be. We’ve talked about who to date, and we’ve taken a look in the mirror to ask ourselves if we’re displaying the qualities, the good fruit, that we’re looking for in others. We know that the greatest calling of our lives is not who we date, who we marry, or even if we get married. The greatest calling of our lives is who we become. And it’s God’s will that we become holy.

So, how do we date in a way that is holy—a way that honors God and others? For some, that means prayerfully considering your current relationship. As you read yesterday’s devotional, you may have realized that the person you’re currently dating is not living out the same mission as you—they’re not committed to following Jesus and pursuing holiness. What do you do?

Let’s talk about how to break up in a way that doesn’t suck—a way that honors God and honors people.

Truthfully, breaking up well is going to be hard, because telling the truth gracefully is hard. Jesus is a master at this. And while He never taught a crash course on ending a romantic relationship, He did teach us how to deal with conflict—and there’s definitely some transferable wisdom.

Jesus tells us to deal with things promptly, directly, and humbly. That’s how breaking up should happen too.

Break up promptly. This doesn’t mean to ghost them as soon as they say something you don’t like. It doesn’t mean sending them a text that says, “We’re breaking up,” and that’s that. It means, as soon as you know that the person you’re dating is not the person you want to spend a lifetime journeying toward Jesus with, don’t drag your feet. Don’t play games. Grow up and honor them by telling them the truth about what you see that’s not aligned with the goal you’re moving toward.

Break up directly. If at all possible, do it in person. If that’s not possible, the next best thing is a FaceTime or phone call. We’re called to treat people with dignity and respect. Even when we’re breaking up with someone for really good reasons, they’re still a human being made in the image of God and deserve to be treated as such. So, do not break up in a text, with a Snapchat, through a friend, or with a post. Go to the person directly and treat them with dignity.

Break up humbly. What does this mean? It means the point of your breakup conversation is not to point out all the ways they suck and you’re awesome. It’s not to diminish them so they walk away feeling less than and you “win.” Anyone who is in our orbit should be better because we did our best to genuinely love them like Jesus, including the people we date. That doesn’t change when it doesn’t work out. So, when you break up, be honest without being a jerk. Thank them for the time you spent together. And, if you can, share about what you hope for them in the future.

Okay, deep breath.

That’s hard and that’s different. And right now, you may be feeling worried about an impending conversation. You may feel hurt because of a past situation that wasn’t handled well. You may feel ashamed about a previous relationship that you ended poorly. If you’re feeling any of that, here’s the good news: What you’ve done or what’s been done to you doesn’t define you—God does. You can experience healing from your past and hope for your future because of God’s grace and power working in you to help you become who you were meant to be.

And you are called to be holy. So we’re going to lean in and learn to be holy in all that we do.

James echoes his brother Jesus when he writes:

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right. James 2:8 NIV

When you think about breaking up, consider how to do for that person what you would want them to do for you.

How we break up should look different and better than how the world does it. How we date should look different and better too.

We’ll talk about that tomorrow.

It’s important to mention, though, that even when you do your best to be honoring, breaking up is not a pain-free experience. A relationship ending is sad. Letting go of the hope you had that they might be your person is hard. Acknowledging those emotions doesn’t mean you need to second-guess your decision—it means you’re human. Bring your feelings to God and trust Him with your heart. He cares about you. He’s gentle, compassionate, and close.

Challenge: This challenge won’t be for everyone, but maybe, as you read today and learned to break up well, you recognized it’s time to have a conversation. Your challenge is to actually do it. Don’t wait. God is with you and will help you. Invite a trusted friend to pray with you for your conversation, then go do your best to have a conversation that honors God and honors the other person.