A Simple Guide to a Better MarriageНамуна

Solving Conflicts without Arguing

It is ironic, but true, that conflicts can be good for relationships. The goal of conflict resolution is not to rid ourselves of our differences. The goal is to learn to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both of us. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork.

However, for some couples, conflicts inevitably lead to arguments and arguments often get out of control. Instead of finding solutions, they create new problems. One wife concluded, “I just do whatever he wants because I’m tired of arguing.” Obviously, this approach will not lead to an authentic relationship.

Arguments ultimately lead to one of three results. You win and your spouse loses; you lose and your spouse wins; or you argue to a draw. When arguments end in a draw, both spouses are losers.

The good news is that conflicts can be resolved without arguing. Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It requires you to respect each other’s ideas even when you disagree and to lovingly respond to your spouse in spite of the fact that you presently have a conflict. The objective is to find a solution, not to win an argument.

Conflicts cannot be resolved without empathetic listening. Most couples believe they are listening to each other when, in fact, they are simply reloading their verbal guns. Empathetic listening is seeking to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. We can’t have a loving response until we first understand what they are saying and feeling.

The most common mistake couples make while trying to resolve conflicts is to respond before they have the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. When people respond too quickly, they often respond to the wrong issue. Listening helps us focus on the heart of the conflict. When we listen, understand, and respect each other’s ideas we can then find a solution in which both of us are winners. Love leads both of us to be willing to give in order to bring pleasure to the other. When a husband and wife lovingly seek solutions to conflicts, they find the harmony and teamwork which they are trying to build.

Respond

Think of the last argument you had with your spouse. What was the outcome—you won, you lost, or it was a draw? How did you feel afterward? How did your spouse feel after the argument? How did it affect your relationship? How will you approach the next conflict you experience?