When Conflict Comes: A 3-Day Marriage PlanНамуна

Fight Fair

Remind the people . . . to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all.

Titus 3:1–2

Since some conflict in marriage is inevitable, learning to fight fair just might be the most important skill a couple can master. The key is to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy combat.

In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner’s soft underbelly with comments such as “You never do anything right!” “Why did I marry you in the first place?” and “You’re getting more like your mother every day!” These offensive remarks strike at the heart of self‐ worth. Healthy conflict, by contrast, focuses on the issues that cause disagreement: “It upsets me when you don’t tell me you’re going to be late for dinner,” or “I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night.” Can you hear the difference?

Even though these approaches may be equally contentious, the first assaults the dignity of the partner, while the second addresses the source of conflict. Couples who learn this important distinction are much better prepared to work through disagreements without wounds and insults.

Just between us . . .

• When we have a fight, are we more likely to attack the person and miss the problem, or to attack the problem and protect the person?
• What did Jesus say about yielding to others when we are unfairly attacked or criticized? (See Matthew 5:38–41; Luke 6:27–31.)
• How would doing a better job of fighting fair help our relationship?
• How can we support each other in doing this?

Father, we need Your help to show love and respect while we resolve differences. We don’t want disagreements to hurt the relationship You’ve graciously given us. We know Your power and wisdom can be ours each day, and we humbly ask for them. Amen.

Excerpted from Night Light for Couples, used with permission.

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Prov. 12:18, ESV)

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. (Prov. 16:24, ESV)

“You Always Bite the One You Love” (This article, excerpted from Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice, is available on our website.)