4 Common Communication Mistakes in MarriageНамуна

Mistake 3: We do not have an open mind

Do you “apply your heart to understanding” more than you try to make your spouse understand you? There are times that I just know I am right about something. Then I find out Nancy feels equally right - about the opposite position. Now we have a standoff.

In the early years of our marriage, we had a lot of standoffs. We both dug our heels in, closed our minds and waited for the other to come to their senses - which seldom happened. We would go along mad for a day or two and then let it go, but we never resolved it.

What happens when a couple does not resolve an issue? It cycles back around. For us, it usually comes back with a vengeance, carrying baggage from the last time it surfaced.

In marriage, God put us together with all our differences. When we fight each other's differences, whether it is a difference of opinion, a different plan or idea, or something else, our marriage loses.

Nancy and I saw that happening to us. Proverbs 18:15 says, "The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out,” but we were doing the opposite. We were not willing to “acquire knowledge” by really listening to each other.

We both realized for things to improve, we had to look inside ourselves and quit pointing fingers at each other. It was not an easy switch. Proverbs 2:2-6 says, "Turn your ear to wisdom and apply your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding."

So this is what we did. First, we “called out for insight” by praying for God’s guidance. Second, we took a topic that we were split on. Each of us wrote down all the things we could to support our position. Next we found a good time to talk without any distractions.We prayed that God would help us to open our minds and that we would really listen to each other. Then we began to talk. Nancy said the first point on her list. As she explained, I found myself asking questions. I was really trying to understand her. That was a minor miracle for me at that stage of marriage.

We empathized with each other and we realized we were not as far apart on the topic as we had thought. We agreed. We may not have agreed on every little detail but we agreed to compromise, and respect each other, and the issue was resolved. Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." We did, and He did.

Are you ready to start having an open mind when talking with your spouse? Are you ready to listen well, seek to understand, be understood and overall change the communication patterns in your marriage? Today is the perfect time to begin!

Today’s Challenge:

Now it’s your turn. Think of an issue that you have not resolved in your marriage. What if the two of you went through the process Nancy and I did?

• Write down your points.
• Pray.
• Take turns stating your point and explaining it, then ask each other questions.

The goal is not to “win,” but for your marriage to win. If you “win” or your spouse “wins,” what does that do for your marriage? Most of the time that will mean your marriage loses. Having an open mind not only helps you communicate with each other, it also helps you embrace each other's differences.