Broken Vows: Healing From Spousal BetrayalНамуна

Remember Who You Are

One of the sad effects of spousal betrayal is the damage it does to the betrayed spouse’s self-image. All too often, the betrayed husband or wife sees their partner’s behavior as a sign of their inadequacy. They internalize a level of shame and self-condemnation, turning to thoughts like:

• It’s because I travel for work, sometimes weeks at a time; it drove my spouse into the arms of another.
• I’ve put on some extra weight; I know this is why my spouse doesn’t want to have sex with me.
• I’m not as _____ as other men/women; it’s no wonder my spouse went looking for emotional connection with someone else.
• I was pregnant and had a baby; I’m sure this contributed to my spouse’s pornography use.
• I was devastated by my parent’s unexpected death. I physically and emotionally withdrew from my spouse. That’s why they had an affair.

This list is endless. There are a myriad of ways a betrayed spouse takes on the blame for their spouse’s behavior. Maybe as you read this list, you’re beginning to recognize some of the shame you’ve been carrying.

The truth is your spouse’s behavior has very little to do with you. They sinned against you, not because of you. As you process what’s been done, it’s important that you remember who you are and whose you are. A sense of your God-given identity and self-worth will keep you from spiraling into self-blame, shame, and condemnation. This is because identity is a powerful thing. The enemy knows this. He will do whatever he can to try and convince you that you are worthless, broken, deficient, and deserving of the wrong that’s been done to you. The devil has been a deceiver from the beginning, and he continues to use lies like this to hurt God’s children.

What we must do when we begin to hear these thoughts of self-condemnation is to speak aloud the words of Scripture that remind us of who we are in Christ. We are loved by God, valued by our Creator, and chosen by our Savior. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and our future is secure in God’s loving and capable hands. Don’t lose yourself in the chaos of life after betrayal. Know who you are and trust that God still has a plan for you.

Thought of the Day: When thoughts of self-condemnation and feelings of shame come over me, I will remember who I am and whose I am. I am a child of God; I am loved, seen, and valued by my heavenly Father.