In The Middle Of The MessНамуна

I remember the morning I picked up my local newspaper and read the headline that had my name in it. I’d had a nervous breakdown on national television. . . . I was so ashamed. Lying on my bedroom carpet, curled up in a fetal position, I cried until I had no tears left. I prayed over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ve let You down.” Although I’ve never heard God’s audible voice, I perceived—in the deepest broken part of me—God saying, “My child, do you believe that I love you?”

That was the most important question of all, the one that’s redefined me. It has never been about me getting it right. You either. We’ve got it all upside down. We see from the earth up, but God sees from heaven down. We see ourselves from the perspective of the mud we’re sitting in, but God sees us through the blood of Christ that washes us clean, in the present, in the middle of our messes. And in His love, He wants to save us—in the present. He wants to give us strength for our broken, beautiful lives.

You don’t have to pretend to like where you are right now. In fact, God already knows where you are. As Psalm 44:21 says, God knows the secrets of our hearts. If you trust that the Father loves you, then you can tell the whole truth. . . .

In my interview with Rich Mullins, he quoted his friend Brennan Manning. Rich said, “When [Brennan] gets home, he believes that perhaps Christ will look him in the face and say, ‘Did you believe that I loved you? Did you really believe it?’ Because if you believe that, it changes everything.”

I considered this quote as I listened one more time to that interview with Rich. I realized that he was saying something that I didn’t understand at the time. Salvation is about becoming who you were created to be—a well-loved daughter of God. I know that now.

I was born to be a well-loved little girl, free of secrets and self-hatred. You were made to be that, too, my darling friend. Do you believe it? Do you want to?