Pride and ShameНамуна

SHAME
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Ever heard those words before? From a teacher, a parent . . . or perhaps even yourself? Shame (and its close cousin guilt) is one of the most effective tools for emotional manipulation, and while it can have an outwardly positive effect on our behavior (at least in the short run), more often it simply reinforces the negative thought patterns that motivated us to do wrong in the first place. Shame in our minds and in our hearts can make us feel bad for what we’ve done, but it’s powerless to ensure we’ll do right the next time. In reality, it churns us more than it turns us.

And that’s the enemy’s strategy.

The enemy doesn’t want us to turn away from wrongdoing, but he does want to make us feel bad for doing it, and he walks a fine line to make sure our negative feelings don’t lead to real action. The longer he can keep us both miserable and unrepentant, the better. Once he’s got us there, he wants us to stay there.

In light of the misery that shame can bring, it seems a far cry from the selfish pleasure of pride – how can the two possibly be connected? Pride is usually a positive emotion (even if misguided), whereas shame . . . not so much. What’s the link?

The connection is the self. Both pride and shame flourish in the heart and mind of a person who is focused primarily on his or herself. Both of them center around what I’ve done (good or bad) and how I perceive myself (good or bad), and they both tend to ride on the waves of performance and the whims of opinion. When I perform well, I’m proud of myself, but when I don’t perform well, I’m ashamed of myself. When everyone looks at me and admires me and says great things about me, I’m proud of myself, but when they talk about me behind my back, ridicule me, and laugh at me, I’m ashamed of myself. A young girl may feel proud that she is dating the most popular guy in school and then shame when she ends up pregnant.

Are we hopelessly caught in this cycle of performance and others’ opinions? Is there any alternative to this sort of existence? Yes, there is . . . but the solution is more radical than you might think.

Prayer: Lord, thank You for not manipulating me through shame, but for drawing me away with Your grace. Help me identify those areas of my life where shame has a hold on me and help me to recognize that the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me trapped there. You, Lord, offer a different way, and because Your Son made the way – because He is the Way – I can live free of that shame as I cling tightly to Him and the forgiveness He offers. Teach me to do that in Jesus’ name, Amen.