The Joy Of Letting GoНамуна

Careful Preparation

Teaching on a college campus makes me a witness to how well college-bound teens have been prepared to live and learn away from home. According to U.S. News & World Report, as many as one out of three freshmen doesn’t make it to his or her sophomore year. The reasons run the gamut from family problems and loneliness to academic struggles and lack of money. If schools you’re considering have low freshman retention rates, you’ll want to ask the admissions office why. Some colleges do a great job of taking care of their freshmen; some don’t. Then again, I wonder if it is solely up to colleges to ensure retention of their students.

Nikki showed up to our campus knitting club teary-eyed and weary. “I think I’m going to transfer,” she said to her fellow lovers of all things yarn. “I may even leave before the semester is over.”

I’d heard this from Nikki before. In fact, she had made this same statement every week for the past six weeks. I knew there was more to it than freshman-year fears. Yes, it was her first time away from home. Yes, she wasn’t the strongest student. That was true for many of our students. She wasn’t unique, but it became clear that she was quite special to her mom.

The only child of a single mother, Nikki was and continues to be her mom’s best friend. They depend on each other for companionship and emotional support. Although Nikki’s mom was proud of her daughter’s acceptance to college and did everything she could to help her move into her dorm by outfitting it to the envy of those around her, Nikki’s mom began to regret letting her daughter go so far away from home (in reality, she was forty-five minutes away). Nightly phone calls and daily texts revealing her distress at being alone began to cause high levels of anxiety in Nikki. Her classwork suffered from the emotional distraction, and then her own loneliness settled in like fog on the San Francisco Bay.

It didn’t matter that her roommates encouraged her to stay, nor did it make a difference that her professors, advisers, and coaches supported her as a learner. Nikki was unable to function away from her mom because her mom was unable to function away from Nikki. A word of encouragement from her mother would have dissipated that fog of anxiety.

Nikki left two weeks before the end of the semester.

Our children aren’t the only ones who need to prepare for their leaving home. We must prepare ourselves as well. As the need for independence increases, our need for dependence should decrease.

Missing our children when they leave us is natural. Depending on their presence for our own well-being can suffocate their confidence. What words of encouragement can you give your children today so you are better able to let them go tomorrow?

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