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Friendship

Do you have any real friends? Increasingly, fewer and fewer people can answer that question in the affirmative. We all can relate to Proverbs 20:6 in some way, and our society today is not helpful in creating spaces for friendship to develop.

At the same time, Proverbs 13:20 shows us that friends aren’t neutral. They will either influence for the better or for the worse. We all can think of times in our lives where a friend or friends influenced us to make a poor decision.

Pastor and author Tim Keller defines the four marks of a true friend this way:

• Constancy (someone committed to being there no matter what)
• Carefulness (someone who cares deeply for you, and is affected by how you are doing)
• Candor (the ability to be honest, even when honesty requires lovingly confronting an issue)
• Council (the desire to want their feedback/advice)

What this means is that while we can have a number of acquaintances or even friends, we can only have a couple of really close friends. We can’t be there for everyone, we can’t allow our emotional state to be affected by everyone, and aren’t close enough with everyone for just anyone to confront us.

But this also shows us our need to have people like this in our lives. In fact, almost anything bad can be made sweeter with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without them. And for those we are close with, as Proverbs 27:5-6 tells us, it is better for them to be honest with us than for others who know us far less to flatter us.

Interestingly, The night before Jesus died, he was trying to get across to his disciples not just what was going to happen to him, but what it all meant. John 14-17 is about the last supper, Jesus’s betrayal, and Jesus teaching his disciples. And one thing he says in order to explain what he was going to do and why he came in the first place was in the concept of friendship.

In John 15:12-15 Jesus calls his disciples friends. Our God is a God of friendship. The Trinity itself is the Father, the Son, and the Spirit knowing and loving each other. Genesis 1 tells us he created humans in his image, meaning we need friendship. And there is no greater true friend to us than Jesus.

Jesus is the ultimate friend who is going to cleave to you at infinite cost to himself. Jesus was wounded on our behalf so we could be reconciled to God. In a real sense, Jesus, God the son, had his friendship with God the father broken on the cross as he took on the sins of the world, so that we could have friendship with God.

Put another way, Jesus was and is the perfect friend. And Jesus has given us the church to provide a community that can sharpen us. So if you are looking for friendship, here are three quick suggestions:

• Commit to the gathering of your local church (try and aim for 3 out of 4 Sundays a month as a starting point).
• Join a group at your church. Most churches offer some sort of small group setting. It is so vital not to try and follow Jesus alone.
• Ask someone to be your friend. Be honest with someone, chances are they need a friend as well.
• Commit to showing up. It is so easy in our culture today to send a last minute text that you can’t make it. Let your yes be yes, and over time you will see more relationships form.

Today’s reflection

Jesus modeled constancy, carefulness, candor, and council with his disciples. Which of these stands out the most to you as a marker of a good friend?