Overcoming Lies About GodНамуна

Anger at God

Two summers ago, I received a text out of the blue from my friend Teddy about Alex, one of our mutual friends. For years, Alex had been fighting brain cancer. Teddy told me that Alex did not have much time left. The next day, I flew across the country to see Alex. Though he’d been in remission a few years before, the cancer had come back. Alex had not been responding well to chemotherapy so he had to discontinue treatment. When I saw him, he could hardly sit up. That first night, Alex could have a conversation with me, but over the next several days I saw him slip away right before my eyes.

I was flooded with grief. Within a week of that initial text from Teddy, Alex had passed into eternity with Christ. He was only 29. He left behind his wife and infant son. It made no sense to me. It was heartbreaking. It seemed unreal. Of all people, why did he have to die? Past conversations, old jokes, and fond memories came to mind again and again. I’d hear songs Alex and I used to listen to and would think of texting him before remembering he was gone. It was so painful to have lost one of my close friends.

Over the following months, anger at God grew inside of me. I experienced more anger after the ending of a romantic relationship and the sudden death of a co-worker. Eventually, anger inhibited my daily functioning. I had trouble thinking clearly and enjoying things I normally enjoyed. I wrestled with God. I was honest with Him. I shared my feelings with Him and with others. God reminded me that, throughout my life, anger had been a way for me to deal with fear. Anger was a way to protect myself when I was afraid, to regain control, and to keep others at a distance. I was angry at God because I feared that He wasn’t safe, that He didn’t have good in store for me, and that He would hurt me too. I was believing deep-rooted lies about God.

As I began to process those lies and remembered God’s past faithfulness and goodness to me, I asked Him to forgive me for my anger towards Him. The anger began to dissipate as I remembered what was true about God.

God, help me to understand my feelings and to know whether these are based on truth.