Boundaries: Get Off the Crazy Train.Намуна

To have healthy boundaries with others, we must first develop them within ourselves. Because a boundary isn’t for other people – it’s for us. That’s deep. God even models this with us directly – he doesn’t force us to be in relationship with him (even though that’s his desire), he gives us the freedom to choose. He convicts and guides us, but ultimately, he allows us to decide how we respond to him – that’s a boundary.

And when we are making healthy decisions that align with God’s Word – we experience God’s peace, fulfillment, joy, and goodness. When we make choices that aren’t God’s best for us – we miss out on so much of that. It’s the same in our other relationships. When we lack healthy boundaries, we don’t experience much peace, fulfillment, joy, or goodness. Am I right? Instead, our hearts fill up quickly with anger, resentment, and bitterness.

When Martha invited Jesus into her home, her intentions were in the right place by wanting to host Jesus well, but she quickly lost focus, got upset, and became resentful because Mary was soaking up one on one time with Jesus instead of helping with preparations. So, Martha went to Jesus and tattled on Mary. Martha didn’t even ask Mary for help. She assumed that she would get it and was upset when she didn’t.

2 Corinthians 9:7 says, “each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion.” We can’t say yes to something and then be angry about it and take it out on others. When we release control of people’s feelings and expectations, then we can start to experience true peace.

Many times, in my journey of learning what a boundary was, it kept coming back to some deep underlying issues. Much like Martha, I had unhealthy expectations. Like when I offered advice to people but got upset when they didn’t do what I suggested. That’s a control issue. And ultimately, those things stemmed from insecurity. I wanted to be needed, valued, and loved by others so much that I thought I could control my way to that fulfillment. I kept unhealthy relationships in hopes that they would “come around” because I didn’t want to be rejected or alone.

There is so much freedom that comes from understanding that our identity is found in Jesus – not in other people.