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Purity in Dating

When you hear the word purity, what comes to mind? Is something pure by what is or isn’t in it? Clean, white sheets free of stains? Cold, clear water with no dirt or grime? A product free of harsh chemicals or additives? 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines purity as the quality or state of being pure. It defines pure as 1: unmixed with any other matter; free from dust, dirt, or taint; spotless, stainless. 2: being thus and no other.  3:  free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from moral fault or guilt; marked by chastity. 

There is no shortage of dialogue on the concept of purity in the church. Does pursuing purity mean no talking to other people while the dating relationship is still young? No hand-holding until engagement? Hand-holding with no kissing? Kissing, but no touching? Anything short of intercourse? Many ideas. But which one is right? Is there a “right” one? Unlike a dictionary, there’s no hard and fast definition of what constitutes purity in a dating relationship. Life would be much easier if that were the case. Or would it?

This is one of the first topics where the conversation on Christian dating needs to change. Purity in light of the cross is not a checklist. You can’t hold up a list and say, “I haven’t done any of these, so I must be pure” if your heart is not in the right place. Purity begins in your heart, with Jesus making your heart clean and whole. The journey of walking with the Lord is about learning what does and doesn’t lead you closer to Christ, what fosters purity in your heart. So that would include your dating relationship and, in the future, your engagement and your marriage. 

Purity doesn’t begin with a purity ring, and it doesn’t stop with a wedding ring. For Christians, purity is about how we live our lives, not some assignment to receive a grade on. Too often, youth group talks and Sunday School lessons on purity in dating seem just like that: an assignment, a one-time pass or fail. A checklist to complete. And if you’ve already failed, what’s the point in trying to make it right? Ever felt this way? You are not alone. 

There is no grace in a checklist. Jesus came to abolish checklist mentalities because the Old Testament demonstrated that lists and laws can’t change hearts on their own. They limit relationships. They emphasize works, not grace. 

Jesus came to change our hearts. He came so He could have a relationship with us. He came to save us from our works by His grace.