Navigating Grief to Hope and HealingНамуна

Finding Joy in Him

I’d always considered myself a Christian, but my husband didn’t have feelings one or another about God, so it wasn’t something we talked about. We didn’t get married in a church, and we never attended church together. 

When he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, we knew right away our time together was coming to an end. I prayed a lot during that time. I focused on making Mike’s last days as good as they could possibly be. I wanted to take care of him. I used every bit of will and strength I had to stay positive and hopeful for him. 

When he was no longer there to care for, it was like my whole world skidded to a stop. 

Eventually, I got rid of those things I’d threatened to get rid of while he was still alive, like the socks with holes in them. It’s taken six years, but I finally donated the rest of his clothes a few months ago. I wasn’t ready until just recently to let go of them. What works for you is what you should do. No matter how long that takes.

I also didn’t go to church for a long time. I’d watch what I lovingly referred to as “jammy church” (church on television that I could watch in my pajamas or DVR and watch when it was convenient). I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that I was missing out. “Where two or more are gathered…” Yeah, I was missing out on all of that. Plus, is all the convenience truly putting God first? 

But after Mike’s passing, my walk with God changed dramatically. Slowly I got more comfortable praying again, and I did it out loud. I made time to stop and listen for His guidance. For years, I suffered from anxiety to the point of panic attacks. I was afraid that I might slip back under the stress, but the more I turned to Him, the easier it became to let go of the worry. 

I walk with God first and foremost now. He is number one in my life, and everything else lines up behind Him. My anxiety is low, and joy dances in my heart every day. I’ve found a church I love, and my church family and friends have strengthened my faith in such powerful ways. It has also given me an opportunity to share my experience of grief with others so that I might help them bear the weight of their own losses a little more easily. Yes, everything about my life changed after I lost my husband, but there were unexpected blessings amid the pain, and for that, I am so grateful.

Heavenly Father, thank you for writing our stories much better than we ever could. When plans don’t go our way or situations don’t turn out as we’d hoped, please help us to trust that you have something better in mind, even and especially when it doesn’t feel like it. When pain and suffering seem to last much longer than a night, show us glimpses of your joy and blessings that will come with the morning. Amen.