The Second Happy by Pastor Kevin MyersНамуна

Pick a Fair Fight

Conflict in any marriage is inevitable. It’s impossible to agree on everything with your spouse because you’re two different individuals. How you deal with that conflict will determine the health and length of your marriage. You can pretend the conflict doesn’t exist and let it eat at you internally. You can become passive-aggressive, never really dealing with the problems or resolving them, creating a tense environment. You can get into verbal or physical brawls that create emotional and relational damage. Or you can do what Marcia and I eventually did: learn to fight fair.

Have you ever thought about the idea of a fair fight in marriage? Some people voluntarily agree to step into a literal ring or an octagon to face an opponent in an official contest. Those fights are planned, and they are designed to be fair. The two opponents agree to face each other. The event is scheduled, with the time and place mutually agreed upon. The fight has boundaries and specific rules. A referee makes sure the participants follow those rules. 

This kind of fight became our inspiration. What if Marcia and I could pick a fair fight? What if we could set up some boundaries—some fair-fight rules—and follow them to resolve our conflict? We learned by doing that, instead of one person’s hand being raised in victory at the other’s expense, we could finish with both of our hands raised in victory? That led us to create our fair fight rules:

How to Pick a Fair Fight

• Call for a fair fight without throwing any “punches.”
• Summarize the issue you want to fight about.
• Stop and set a date and time for the fight.
• Prepare to step into the ring fully engaged and ready to fight clean until the fight is done.
• Agree that the fight will end with a hug and an “I love you.”
• Agree on the penalty for anyone breaking any of the rules.

How to Fight Fair

Round 1: The less talkative person explains their perspective on the issue, “speaking the truth in love,” while the other person listens without interrupting.

Round 2: The listener communicates the heart and message of the speaker back to them until the speaker agrees that the listener understands them. 

Round 3: The two change roles, and the more talkative person shares their perspective on the issue, and the other person listens. 

Round 4: The new listener communicates the heart and message of the new speaker back to them until the new speaker agrees that the new listener understands them. 

Round 5: The less talkative person offers their solution while the other person listens without interrupting.

Round 6: The more talkative person offers their solution while the other person listens without interrupting. 

Round 7: Both people freely discuss possible solutions until they agree to a solution they both think they can live with. They agree to pray about it.

Round 8: At this point, the fight has ended. After they pray about the solution, if they find peace, they both commit to it. If not, they repeat rounds 5 through 8. If they still can’t find resolution, they bring in a pastor or counselor as a referee to help them.

Prayer: Lord, help me to become better at listening and understanding instead of getting my way, and help my spouse and me to resolve conflict in a way that honors you and builds our marriage.