Parenting by God’s Design: A 5-Day DevotionНамуна

Day 2: Formulaic Parenting Does Not Work

Parenting is not a formula. For some reason, the futility of formulaic parenting is difficult for our human minds to accept. We want to say, “Here is the problem I’m dealing with as a parent—give me the steps so I can get to the solution.”

Maybe we learned to think this way in math class. In 1986, I (Jimmy) was a sophomore at Terry Parker High School in Jacksonville, Florida. My Algebra II teacher was a national teacher of the year. She taught us the Pythagorean Theorem: A2 + B2 = C2. That equation is fundamental to mathematics and shows the relationships between the lengths of the sides of a right triangle. The Pythagorean Theorem is foundational to geometry because it works. Every. Single. Time. It works for every person who uses it. No matter your religion, your gender, your ethnicity, or nationality, if you know the length of two sides of a right triangle, it’s just “plug and crank.” You plug the numbers into the Theorem and crank out the answer.

It would be nice if parenting worked like that. But it doesn’t.

Unfortunately, too many parenting “experts” and resources put forward the idea that successful parenting is a matter of the right values, perspectives, and techniques. If you just say the right things, use the right methods, and have the right attitude, you can grow every child into a happy, healthy, productive adult. Even Christian parents are sucked into this way of thinking. We all want C2. We just need someone to tell us A2 and B2 so we can plug and crank.

As young parents, we were exposed to various conferences and “systems” for Christian parenting. We received a lot of good teaching in those formats that encouraged us and helped us apply the Scriptures to our little family. They taught us things like how to communicate in our marriage, how to manage our money, how to discipline our children, and how to care for newborns—all good stuff. But the drawback of some of the material was the overconfidence these teachers expressed in their particular combination of theology and methodology. One instructor actually called his scheme a “godly philosophy of parenting.” He declared that other perspectives and methods were demonic and required repentance from parents who had been deceived by these dangerous deviations from God’s plan for their children. Yikes!

These teachers definitely conveyed an attitude of superiority and condescension toward anyone who disagreed with their guidance. When you believe that parenting is formulaic, then it must mean that those who experience parenting challenges or failures are just too ignorant or too foolish to plug and crank.

Many parents who received the same type of instruction we did later became disillusioned because their kids rebelled as they grew up. They did all the right things, so why didn’t their kids turn out the way those teachers promised? Unfortunately, some of these parents didn’t understand that the fault was in the formulaic structure of the teaching.

When you have been taught that formulas will work, it is easy for struggling parents to believe that the Bible is unreliable or that God has failed them. We hope you will reject the formulaic approach to parenting and embrace a more realistic approach based on love, grace, and wisdom.