Love IDEAS-Exploring the Heart of RelationshipsНамуна

Day 7 - Building Intimacy Through Communication

ASK: Ask God to join you today. Ask him to give you insight into how you can serve the people around you, building trusting and lasting intimacy into your close relationships.

READ: Matthew 5:16, 1 Peter 4:10, 1 John 4:19

DEVOTIONAL: If we are going to serve others to build strong and intimate relationships, communication is key. My wife and I were very blessed to have met an older couple from our church while we were engaged. This couple took us under their wings to help us sort through lots of things my wife and I each brought into our relationship from dysfunctional situations we experienced while growing up; and we had no idea about this stuff!  When my wife and I disagreed, we each assumed it was just the other person’s fault. It really was the perspective we put on that situation or comment and “assumed” something from the way it played out negatively in our past. We met with this older couple every Tuesday night for 18 months before we got married. They helped us start our union in marriage with completely different viewpoints than we had previously held; those coming from our past, individual lives of dealing with the conflict that would be inevitable in our “leaving and cleaving” relationship, as we were coming together as one in marriage. This couple mentored and helped us “clean our emotional closets” and start fresh as we launched our new lives together. 

It was not easy, by any means. We prayed a lot together. As I look back, I’m not sure my wife and I could have made it without that wise counsel and unbiased, biblical foundation for our marriage. This couple gave us a toolbox for conflict and taught us how to use the tools for mutual respect and resolution.     

Communication can set the expectations for any moment, and moments matter in life. We live in an interesting time when it is easy to misunderstand someone or to be misunderstood. Why is that? Well, it’s because we look at a text or an email and we assign emotions to it that may or may not be true. When we are communicating with our spouse, family or friends, do not assume someone can read your mind. Share with them what you want and what you need. Say it out loud. Let people know what’s really going on with you. Saying the unspoken most often can move a perceived problem into a solution, resolution or reconciliation quickly and easily. I have three guidelines that may help for de-escalating disagreements before they begin, or at least help you unravel something before it gets blown out of proportion.

1. Believe the best. This is your spouse, your family member, or your beloved best friend we’re talking about. Please do not assume that they are purposely trying to upset you with their words or actions. Believe the best about what they are trying to say and communicate with you. Give the benefit of a doubt when starting the conversation to deal with the matter at hand. My wife and I call this “Extending Grace.”  

2. Keep short accounts. Don’t let things build up so that your anger turns to rage and you explode from holding it all in. Work things out as they come up. Schedule regular time to deal with issues that come up in life. Keep a clean slate with each other. 

3. No triangles. DO NOT go to others with your problems (unless you are seeking and getting professional help and counseling). This is tantamount to gossip and can quickly deteriorate trust in any relationship, if you’re talking to others about something that is bugging you about your spouse.. Deal directly with the person who has offended you. Sometimes you may need to take a break or walk away if things get heated, but promise you’ll come back to resolve it together soon.  

As Clarence Shuler said in the video clip, communication is to marriage what location is to real estate - communicate, communicate, communicate! Assume nothing and talk about everything!

WRITE: List out some things you feel you would like to change or improve in the way you communicate with others, especially when something is not going well or you feel slighted in some way. What are some ways that you may be able to listen better before engaging in situations that may escalate? How would you like others to treat you when you’re trying to communicate something that is bothering you? 

MEDITATE: Take some time to re-read your notes from this 7-day reading plan. Wrap up this reading plan by praying over all of the things you have learned and want to apply in your life. If you’re doing this with someone, invite them to pray with you. Allow each person to express their prayers out loud to God. Ask for the blessing of being calm and unified in your relationships. Thank God for His presence and work in your life.