Love & RespectНамуна

C-H-A-I-R-S: Decode His Protected Language 

Eggerichs believes “the key to motivating another person is meeting his or her deepest need.” A husband’s deepest need is unconditional respect. Yet many women tend to do the proverbial eye-roll with their friends, as if it’s assumed they really know what’s best or their decision will override their husband’s. Typically, this behavior results from a few occasions where a poor decision was made, so she feels she can assume the position of head of house. But pushing the husband out of his territory, even with a few bad decisions under his belt, is a recipe for a disastrous marriage full of disdain and disrespect.

Remember, men are made in the image of God. They have God-given attributes that are worthy of respect. Men naturally desire to work, achieve, protect, and provide.

So sometimes a woman needs to look at her man’s desires and not his performance. The focus should be on the positive, not the negative. When this is hard to do, use Eggerichs’s Respect Test. For example, take a moment to think of something that you respect about your husband. Later, when you are in a quiet moment with your husband, say, “I was thinking about you today and how well you ______, and I just want you to know that I really respect that about you.” After you say this, don’t wait for a response. Find something you have to do and quietly leave the room. As in a spell, your husband, soon afterward, will actually alter his behavior and do something he had not been doing before, like offer to take the family out for ice cream, or fold clothes in the laundry room! This shows that respect feeds into respect. Feed what he desires, and you will also be filled in return.

The acronym C-H-A-I-R-S is a helpful tool for women to use in understanding what makes a man feel respected. Learn how to speak his language, and you will see a new man emerge!

Conquest: Appreciate his desire to work, achieve, and provide for his family.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Listen to his work stories with engagement and interest. 

·  Express to him how you believe in his calling and have faith in his work path.

·  Encourage him to dream big with career goals.

Hierarchy: Accept and acknowledge that you are under the God-ordained protection of your husband.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Don’t scoff at the idea of “looking up to him” as the leader; he needs to know you accept and respect his position.

·  Empathize with him when he gets entangled in work situations, because he identifies so strongly with his ability to perform well.

·  When financial troubles arise, quietly, without shaming him, do your part to support him and offer solutions.

Authority: Support your husband’s role as the head of the house and realize it’s not meant to demoralize you but to support the family foundation.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Don’t openly disagree with him in front of the children.

·  State your opinions reasonably, but don’t remove his leadership by taking over.

·  Praise the good decisions he has made.

Insight: Appreciate your husband’s desire to analyze and give counsel.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Recognize that his insight (paired with your intuition) completes the circle.

·  Thank him for his advice and tell him how it was sound.

·  Let him take the lead in fixing things at times, and then praise him for the result.

Relationship: Men want to be shoulder-to-shoulder friends with you. He is content just being with you, not talking (imagine that!).

Ways to show your respect:

·  Engage in recreational activities with him that are simply for fun and companionship.

·  Respect his friendships with others; he will be more energized to spend time with you as a result of getting that need met.

·  Go against your need to “do” and just be present with him with no agenda.

Sexuality: Recognize that he needs sexual release like you need emotional release.

Ways to show your respect:

·  Be responsive to him sexually, and initiate sexual encounters periodically.

·  Be understanding if his sex drive is greater than yours; your emotional needs are generally greater than his.

·  Let him be open about his sexual temptations and frustrations without shaming him; let it be a source of connection and growth.

Questions for you and your spouse:

Do your words and actions communicate to your husband, “You are responsible, but I have the authority”? Do you attempt to overthrow his decision when the outcome wasn’t what you wanted? Can you state your opinion but let him lead next time? What will this require of you emotionally and spiritually?

Biblical hierarchy is spelled out in Ephesians 5:22–24: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (NASB). Wives, in today’s age of feminism, how does this sit with you? Can you make peace with God’s directive and still feel self-respect? How will you accomplish this?

Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones” (NASB). Can you write down ways in which you may have shamed your husband? What actions did you list? What words did you speak aloud? How could you approach him more respectfully next time?

Lord, love and respect are deep needs for both husbands and wives. Resentment and an unforgiving heart often get in the way of a fruitful union. Show me what needs I am not meeting in my spouse. I desire to live in the Energizing Cycle and get out of the Crazy Cycle. Step in. Intervene. Do what You must to get my marriage back in balance. Amen.