The Marriage CourseНамуна

Resolving Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in every marriage -- all couples will disagree about certain things.

We come into marriage with different backgrounds, desires, priorities and personalities

• It’s no good trying to force our partner to do things our way
• If we have the right tools, addressing the conflict can strengthen our relationship
• In marriage, we are on the same side, the same team

Four principles for handling conflict

1. Remember your partner’s positive qualities

Continue to show appreciation for what you love (and admire) about your partner (even while you may disagree passionately about various issues). The more we concentrate on the things we appreciate about each other, the more appreciative we become of each other. 

Make it a daily habit to show your appreciation of your partner.

2. Recognise that differences are good

Don’t try to change each other. Learn to accept differences of temperament, personality, upbringing and values.

See your marriage as a partnership in which you combine your strengths and support each other’s weaknesses.

3. Look for an ‘us’ solution

Five practical steps:

1. Focus on the issue

• move the issue from between you and put it in front of you
• discuss the issue rather than attacking each other

2. Use ‘I’ statements

• avoid labelling (‘You always…’, ‘You never…’)
• describe your feelings (‘I feel undervalued when…’)

3. Listen to each other

• take it in turns to talk (the speaker holds something to indicate whose turn it is)

4. Brainstorm possible solutions

• make a list if necessary

5. Decide on the best solution for now and review later

• if it’s not working, try another solution from your list

Take an issue that’s causing conflict and try using these five steps.

4. Support your partner

When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we inevitably fail each other and get hurt, causing our marriage to spiral downwards. 

Focus more on meeting your partner’s needs rather than expecting them to meet yours. 

When we look to God to meet our needs for unconditional love, we are able to focus more easily on each other’s needs.

Praying for each other helps us connect on a regular basis

• five to ten minutes a day is generally better than one hour every month
• ask each other, ‘What can I pray for you today?’
• draw on God’s promises from the Bible and start with thankfulness
• the closer each of us is individually in our relationship with God, the closer we will be to each other as husband and wife
• if one of you has upset the other, say sorry and forgive each other before praying

Ask your partner, ‘What can I pray for you today?’