Living Changed: After DivorceНамуна

Your Part

When a marriage ends, it’s natural to look back and wonder what happened. We want there to be a clear explanation, as if that will make it hurt less. If only we knew why, we could heal and move on. It’s easy to ask the question. The hard part is admitting that not all the blame can be placed on any one person. Whether we were combative or passive, we played a role in damaging our relationship.

When my husband left me, he asked me not to contact him for two full weeks. He’d been my person for so long that I didn’t know how I was going to make two days, let alone two weeks without talking to him. But I wanted so badly to respect his wishes, thinking that if I did, he might miss me and change his mind. 

Somewhere in the middle of those miserable weeks, I decided to do something productive with my time. I knew there were two people in our relationship and that maybe I hadn’t always done everything right. So, I set aside my rose colored glasses and took a hard look at the part I played in his decision that our marriage was over.

I thought back to the times I had berated him for leaving his shoes on the stairs. When I had made fun of him in front of his friends or co-workers. The times I had openly questioned his intelligence or doubted his strength. It was hard to admit, but I realized I was the wife who constantly made her husband feel small. 

God used that moment to humble me. Not only was I not the perfect wife I imagined myself to be, but I had contributed to a toxic home environment where neither of us felt safe to be ourselves. My confrontational need for control had slowly drained all of the trust and respect out of our marriage. I knew that if I ever wanted a healthy relationship I would have to learn to accept others’ imperfections. I needed to figure out when to hold my tongue and how to speak words of life. I asked God to help me become a wife who loves, respects, and honors her husband well.

Maybe my story sounds familiar and your need to control everyone and everything is what’s straining your relationships. Or maybe your mistake is in choosing to distract yourself from your problems by indulging in shopping, partying, or inappropriate relationships. Maybe you choose to fill your time doing things for others instead of opening yourself up to true intimacy with them. Or maybe you’re constantly denying your needs so you can keep the peace and not ruffle any feathers. None of these methods are healthy. None of them leads toward stronger relationships. 

No matter why your marriage ended, God wants to use your heartache for your good. If you let Him, He will remove your need for control, indulgence, busyness, or hiding. He will heal you and restore you to a stronger, more compassionate version of yourself. Ask God to reveal to you how you can become more like Him and better love the people around you. 

Father God, I admit that I’m not perfect. I need you in my life every single day. Take my pride and reveal to me the mistakes I often make in relationships. Heal the hurts in me that cause me to hurt others. Show me how to love, respect, and honor others well. Make me more like you so I can love boldly, intentionally, and graciously. Help me become the woman you created me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen!