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A Burdensome View of God

I had a powerful and private experience of Jesus Christ as a child.  And I believe that's when God really began to set me apart for him. But then I lived apart from Christ, because I associated him with a burdensome and condemning ideology.  To be fair, that burdensome and condemning ideology did not come from the Catholic teaching. It came from some of the Catholic culture that surrounded me. It's not that all Catholic culture is burdensome and condemning – just some core elements of the culture I experienced were.  Then as an adult the light switch went on. It was a light switch introduced to me by my Evangelical brothers and sisters, but to again be fair, it really was just Scripture, which is part of our Catholic Tradition, that they shared with me that contained the switch. 

When the Lights Went On

I don't know when the lights when on for you in your relationship with God as a Christian or even if they're even on at all right now.  But I can tell you with certainty when they went on for me. 

It was when I read Ephesians 2:8-9.  A lot of important moments in my spiritual journey led to that moment.  And a lot of important moments followed that moment too.  But it was when I read these words that the switch got flipped and I truly understood Christ for the first time as an adult.  My search for the truth about God ended with this one sentence by the Apostle Paul written to the Church in Ephesus two thousand years ago: 

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from you; it is the gift of God; it is not from works, so that no one may boast" (NABRE).

Until that moment I was stuck in a kind of mystical fog with the whole God thing.  I knew there was a God.  I knew also that my lifestyle didn't meet his standard no matter how much I wrestled with him and myself – and trust me I most certainly wrestled to be holy.  

Yet, despite all my efforts, in this fog I lost myself as well as a clear understanding of who God was.  Don't get me wrong.  I was spiritual.  But I was also lost. I most certainly desired God.  And yet I most certainly recognized a huge gap between us – a gap I could not close.

That gap was no illusion.  It wasn't hopeless thinking.  It was truth. God was perfect and I was not.  And as much as I tried to strip the imperfections away, I found myself inescapably flawed.  Maybe you know what I'm talking about yourself. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 

By this point in time, I had done my research.  I had come to believe that the tomb of Jesus was empty and that it wasn't a hoax – it was emptied by God.  I wasn't entirely sure what to do with this conviction. I wasn't sure how the death and resurrection of Jesus had anything to do with my life personally.  In fact, I didn't even understand the relationship between Christ's death and the gap I recognized between me and God. 

It was at this point that I read Ephesian 2:8-9.  I checked multiple translations to be sure it was true.  Then I just sat with God and with that one sentence. And there was peace.  A deep peace. A peace that pierced my heart and transcended my understanding.  It is a peace that still pierces my heart today when I merely hold the Bible and sit with God.  It is a peace that removes all the religious mumbo jumbo that would put me into that mystical fog.  It was a peace that told me: "Yes, you are a sinner, but you have a Savior and you are saved simply because you have placed your life in His hands." 

It wasn't until years later that I would read this quote from Mother Teresa: "Only open your heart to be loved by Him as you; He will do the rest."  But that's exactly what I did. I opened my heart to Jesus Christ to be loved as I am and recognized that he would do the rest, not me. And the funny thing is that in the years since, He has!  

When I look at the sins I've just walked away from, the doubts that just disappeared, and the fog that just lifted, I can see now it really was grace that did it, not me.  I can also see that it really was only grace that could do it.  It really is grace alone that conquers sin as St. Augustine said. It really is grace alone that saves.  It really is grace alone that restores.  My job, I've learned, is to simply welcome grace as I am, give it authority over me in my daily life, and allow it to lead me so it can do its work.  And it has!  It really has. 

How about You?

Have the lights gone on for you in your relationship with God?  Do you understand what was done for you by God on the cross?  Are you in a spiritual fog with God because you are doing good things like going to church to try to get God to love you instead of accepting that he already does?  Are your good deeds truly a response to God's unearned love for you or an effort to make him love you instead?

Ask God to show you how he wants you to see your personal relationship with him and your fellow Christians, regardless of what church you attend, in a new light based on what you read in his Word now.