Marriage CrisisНамуна

My Parents Are Divorced, How Do I Make My Marriage Work?

A few years into marriage, I stood alone in our house staring at a sailboat painting on the wall. My husband, Jason, had left for work after another hurtful conversation. I couldn’t help but wonder: how could I make my marriage work when my parents’ marriage didn’t?

If your parents are divorced or their marriage is struggling, you’ve probably felt afraid that your own vows might break into pieces. Maybe you stood in the aisle on your wedding day and whispered a vow never to make the same mistakes they made. 

Internal alarms went off when my husband and I faced challenges. Wasn’t my marriage supposed to be smooth sailing? Had my parents faced the same struggles in their marriage? I had decided it was up to me to make our marriage last, but it wasn’t going well. I began to identify with my parents’ brokenness. 

Here’s what I realized: only when we start looking our brokenness in the face can it tell us the truth.

King David had some brokenness to face. He made several marriage mistakes—including an affair. Still, he kept depending on God with a broken and contrite heart.

Do you find yourself laying out all of your heart to God, or are you depending on yourself? The harder I worked as the marriage-saver, the more I hated losing my temper or disappointing my husband. Lighten your load. Do you believe God is daunted by hardship in your marriage? God actually delights in your need for Him. If human perfection and mere human effort at divorce prevention worked, we wouldn’t need God.

So, how can we make our marriages and remarriages work? As I cried in front of the painting, I realized for the first time that there were three dark figures, and God was teaching me something through them! I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t just me and my husband. Jesus always had been and always will be in our boat. We don’t have to fear divorce or overspend ourselves trying to singlehandedly prevent it. We can grow together as we face our inadequacy with Jesus in our boat.

1. Give yourself permission to be broken. This one feels awkward at first. Who wants to mess up? When you make a mistake or you feel distant from your spouse, ask God how He sees you and your marriage. Forgive yourself and ask God for His forgiveness.

2. Say a prayer of forgiveness for your parents whenever you start to blame or belittle their marriage. When you forgive your parents for their marriage failures, your marriage can have freedom to grow through difficulty.

3. Take one brave step. Whether it’s starting another Bible Plan after this one, saying yes to marriage counseling together, praying together, or writing out a vision statement as a couple, take the next brave step toward facing your fears knowing Jesus is in the boat. 

—Kristy