How To Have Healthy FriendshipsНамуна

I’ve had “friends” over the years who have tried their best to make me small. They pointed out insignificant things: how I should have checked the weather and chosen better clothing, how I should have planned better, how I should really look more like them. Not in a loving way or with a gentle spirit, but to make themselves appear better, smarter, wiser. When you get “shoulded” on, let this be a signal to you. These people are struggling to control you. They seem to be greatly bothered that you aren’t looking like they’d like you to. 

I struggled greatly in these friendships because I wanted to be accepted. But a dear friend said, “The only acceptance you need is God’s.” This counsel gave me great freedom to not have to care what this friend tried to tell me I should or should not be like. And eventually, I was free to not be their friend.

Stepping on others to be greater is not a good quality of a friend. There’s a time for joking and poking fun, to be sure. But you can have fun joking when the joking comes from someone who is safe to you. Someone who loves you for who you are. Someone who doesn’t pass out judgment slips but passes out grace gifts. 

Real friends don’t make you feel dumb or small. They make you feel the actual size you are: human size. Not a goddess or larger than life. But a human with strength and struggle. Just like everyone else. As Dr. Brené Brown says, “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” 

Choose friends who accept both your strengths and weaknesses. Friends who don’t try to control you. Or shame you. Or tell you that you are unacceptable in your quirks or your differences. Choose friends who are kind to you. Cmpassionate. Gracious. Truthful. Loving. Gentle. Patient. 

And be that friend to others. If you read these words and you are convicted that you often want to point out, ever so slightly, how someone has fallen short according to your standards, you may need to do some soul searching. Why do you need to control how others make choices that don’t affect you? Will it improve your day? Your life? Hardly. And it cuts that person down. Lose, lose. 

In order to be a great friend and have great friends, we can practice both not having to control others and not allowing others to control us. We can be free to be secure in who God has made us to be. And we can stand secure that God accepts us. Every single part. Thank God that he is clothed in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience toward us.  

Today, think through your friendships. Is there a friend who may not accept you or has been repeatedly unkind to you? Ask God about this friendship.