No More Perfect MomsНамуна

Does the Mommy Monster show up at your house on occasion? When the Mommy Monster yells, her anger affects the whole family. Several years ago I began to realize she was showing up at my house more often than I was comfortable with. When I examined what dynamics brought the appearance of the Mommy Monster, I realized that my unrealistic expectations were contributing to my craziness. I was not accurately estimating my children’s actual abilities. Bottom line: I was expecting too much too soon.

I recently noticed a young mom struggling with this same problem of expecting too much too soon. She was frustrated with her two-year-old constantly pushing the limits. She was also trying to potty-train the two-year-old. She wanted the boundary battles to stop, and she wanted her daughter out of diapers. The problem is that neither of those goals was possible for her two-year-old to reach, especially while tackling them at the same time. This well-intentioned mom was not accurately estimating her child’s actual abilities. She was expecting too much too soon, which resulted in added stress for herself and her child.

Many of us overestimate our children’s ability to exercise self-control, to stay focused on a task, and to handle social situations. It’s normal for a two-year-old to get upset if he doesn’t get something he wants. It’s normal for a three-year-old to lose it if there’s a change in his bedtime routine. It’s normal for a five-year-old to daydream in the middle of a T-ball game. It’s normal for a twelve-year-old to be moody. It’s normal for a teenager to be irresponsible every once in a while.

Too often, we let our own impatience take the lead and we scold with an angry voice because deep down we expect them to act better than they are. We lose perspective of what is normal behavior for their age and stage of development. We get angry because they don’t live up to our off-the-charts expectations, and then the Mommy Monster shows up full force. This happens all the way from the toddler years through the teen years and even into the young adult years. . . .

Remember, you are the leading expert on your child. It’s okay for you to encourage your child to do his or her best while keeping the balance of not having unreasonable expectations. Even a slight adjustment in your expectations can bring huge relief to a child who really wants to do his best, but is limited by his level of maturity.