Trusting God In The Midst Of TragedyНамуна

Trusting God to Use Your Marriage to Help You Face Challenges

Brigitte

When I first met Anthony, I didn’t like him. Eventually I found out he was a nice guy who loved his mom, was a Christian, and had awesome core values. We were opposites in many ways, but we complemented each other. 

During Anthony’s early comedy club tours, I felt that he was being taken advantage of. He wasn’t willing to stand up for himself, and it was difficult for me not to get involved. I had to trust God and ask for wisdom for when to keep quiet. If I would have lobbied for my way, that could have created resentment between us, and I might have limited his ability to get work.

When Brittany died, we faced the challenge of grieving without losing our marriage. I took my vows seriously. Literally and seriously. But what we experienced put a lot of stress on our marriage. I was intimidated about sharing my feelings because as a child, I couldn’t talk about them. If you let that go on too long without a reality check, your perceptions can get distorted. At some point you have to talk. 

In graduate school my communication skills matured. I could articulate my feelings. And as I learned to do this, Anthony learned to acknowledge his thoughts and feelings as well. And not just with me. He started to stand up for himself in dealing with club owners.

Anthony and I have been married for thirty-one years, and I have never doubted that we’d stay together. The most important thing we share is healthy core values. Without them, when a conflict occurs, the relationship is over—no matter how funny or nice someone is.

Anthony is very involved in the church; I pray and study the Scriptures more on my own, but we share faith at our core. If we did not, that would have been a deal breaker. Trust is another core connector. It’s also important to be able to fight fairly and to relate to the other person’s point of view without necessarily having to agree with it. 

When you look at everything we have faced, they could either make or break our marriage. It’s like going to war with a platoon buddy. You don’t go this far just to throw in the chips. I could say to other couples, “Get it together. Go hug it out because it could be worse. It could be worse.”

Anthony

When I first saw Brigitte at work, I saw a woman on a mission. I was a doorman and she would breeze right by me on the way to her office without a word. She was six feet tall, dark, with long hair. Man, that’s a woman!  We were in two different worlds. She would see me dozing off in the cafeteria and think I’d been out all night, living the wild life. I was just whupped from everything I was going through. As we learned about each other, we began to build a relationship. 

The most challenging period of our marriage was probably those first few years when you’re making two people into one (see Matthew 19:5). It’s a matter of learning to trust the other person. We said, “I love you,” but because of my broken relationship with my father I didn’t fully trust yet. Brigitte probably did, but it took me a while. 

Early in our marriage, and after Brittany had died, Brigitte would write me letters when she got upset with me. I’d find them on my pillow, even though I was right there at home instead of just telling me what was bothering her. I didn’t understand that at all. Our communication skills needed work.

When I first arrived in Hollywood, I needed something other than my work to bring balance to my life. Being married, that was my balance—because Brigitte demands a balance. She is the balance. But there was friction with her too. After we lost Brittany my career started to struggle. Brigitte felt I should build on what I was learning and turn to writing, rather than settling for less sucessful opportunities. I would be bored being a writer. That wasn’t my path. We had to work that out.

When I was faced with needing to share that I had MS, I appreciated the way Brigitte respected my decision to share this news when I was ready. This whole experience, while challenging, reinforced the bond between Brigitte and me. She’s a great teammate and always has my back. Over the course of our marriage, I have gone from thinking, Me, me, me to We, we, we.It took me a while to realize that everything I did involved her. (See Ecclesiates 4:12.)

We balance each other out. We’re good together. I’ll give her thirty more years. MS’s progression does not scare me because I’m surrounded by people who love me. I feel lucky. I have a beautiful woman who’s been at my side through all of this (see Proverbs 31:10–11). She still laughs at my stupid jokes. She has committed to the ride, and that’s a great blessing. I thank God for that and for who she is.

Respond

How have you seen conflict affect someone’s marriage? 

What are the benefits of facing challenges together in a marriage? What kind of commitment is needed to grow together during challenges, rather than apart?

What is God’s role in helping grow a marriage that can endure hardship?