Undaunted by Christine CaineНамуна

For many years, I had been wounded by abuse. All those years of pain had caused me to seal away a part of my heart and soul in what I thought was a safe, protected place. Though I fiercely craved close relationships, I desperately feared them. I never wanted to be hurt again. I felt as though I were trapped in a relational no-man’s-land with no hope of escape. 

Perhaps you too have felt this way before, when: 

• an overbearing boss crushed your spirit 
• an unfaithful spouse betrayed your trust 
• cruel friends trampled your heart with spiteful words 
• insensitive parents stripped your confidence 
• unthinking teachers called you stupid, squashing your self-worth 
• rebellious children stomped all over you 

Whatever happened, whatever our story, we know: abusers try to take our souls. Whatever the source of the attack on our bodies, souls, and spirits, the hurt stings and the damage goes deep. And the memories can inflict just as much harm again and again. 

Many of us remember the exact moment of the damage—how the earth seemed to stop spinning, how our world came to a halt. We can’t forget the sights, the smells, a song playing, what we wore, who else was there. These things freeze in our memories, and a part of us freezes with them, forever stuck in a place, unable to move on. 

In that place, we may be delivered from our situations, but we are not free. Before we were married, my husband Nick confronted me about not trusting him, and it was all too true. Though I was no longer in bondage to my abusers every day, I had shuttered my heart. I didn’t trust anyone, not even God. I kept God at a distance by giving him my time but not all of myself. I didn’t trust him to take care of me, any more than I trusted Nick to take care of me. 

I couldn’t forgive the men who hurt me, nor myself for being abused. Worse, I realized that I hadn’t forgiven God. Where was he, after all, when I was a helpless child and those men laid hands on me? Why didn’t he stop them? 

Did I really think that? How could I compel others to love God with their whole hearts when I kept a part of my own from him? How could I move, undaunted, into an unknown future with a God I did not trust? 

Although I was shocked by this revelation, God was not. Since he knows everything, he knew that if I was to be truly free, I needed to deal with this wound. He was able to heal me, but I had to choose his healing. If I was to be made whole, first I had to admit that I wasn’t. I had to accept that I needed help. I needed to reach up to God, and out to others, as part of the healing process. Only then could I purely love others. Especially Nick. 

Adapted from Undaunted: Daring To Do All That God Calls You To Do by Christine Caine. Copyright © 2019 by Christine Caine. Reprinted with permission of Zondervan Publishing. All rights reserved.