Thrive In RetirementНамуна

Lost and Found

A past surgeon general of the United States declared that America is plagued with an “epidemic” of loneliness. Too often, loneliness becomes worse as you grow older. Statistics show that forty percent of older adults are not just a little lonely; they are clinically depressed.

My wife, Diane, and I married after we each had lost our spouses to cancer. She spent eight years as a widow. During those years, she found that the evening meal was when loneliness caused the greatest pain: “Six p.m. became the most dreaded time of my day. I stopped cooking for myself, and though others occasionally invited me into their homes to share a meal, the aromas of their efforts, instead of enticing me, often made me nauseous…. My family and friends worried about my weight loss, an outward sign of the loneliness I was experiencing. I was reminded of this time in my life when I visited my stepfather after my mother’s sudden passing. He had lost seventeen pounds in only two months since her death. As it had for me, his loneliness peaked at dinnertime.”

If you are struggling with loneliness, ask yourself a few questions. What is the nature of your loneliness? Is it possible that choices you’ve made contribute to isolation? Many people wish for closeness with others yet hold others at a distance, fearing rejection. Others are hesitant to initiate conversations because they want to avoid the threat of awkwardness. 

Use the technology tools you wish to keep up contact with family and friends. If need be, get a technically knowledgeable friend to show you how to use Skype and FaceTime so you can enjoy seeing and talking with people you love who live far away from you. Just remember that you also need to relate with people in person. Be sure you have those around you with whom you can exchange private, personal thoughts. 

If you have hesitations, be kind to yourself. You likely have years of conditioning that fuel your instinct to hold back. But closing yourself off is harmful both physically and mentally. A top predictor of happiness as you age is the quality of your relationships. Barriers may initially seem like self-protection, but in the end, they are damaging. Protect yourself from loneliness, not from other people. 

What relationships are most important to you right now? What could you do to build connections with other people?