Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsНамуна

HOW TO CONFESS AN AFFAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE

Once you’ve decided to “come clean” with your spouse about your unfaithfulness, it’s important to pause and give some careful thought to the matter before making your confession. How you disclose this information can make all the difference.

The first step is to search your own heart. Humble yourself before the Lord and make sure that you’re ready and willing to put the infidelity behind you and make things right once and for all. Demonstrate your good intentions by taking some steps in the direction of repentance and healing before making the disclosure. Get tested for STDs. Seek out the advice of a pastor or licensed Christian counselor. Study 2 Corinthians 7 and be certain that your attitude is one of genuine godly sorrow (verse 10) — the kind of sorrow that leads to repentance — rather than one of debilitating guilt or a selfish desire to save face.

As we mentioned previously, it’s also a good idea to check your motives before telling your spouse what has happened. Make sure you understand exactly why you should make this confession. Do you have your spouse’s and your family’s best interests at heart, or are you thinking primarily of yourself? Is guilt a driving factor? Is it possible that you’re looking for a way to shame, blame, or manipulate your spouse (for example, by dropping hints to the effect that you fell into an affair because he or she wasn’t there for you sexually)? Are you hoping to find release from a burdened conscience? If so, do you expect to do this by shifting the load onto someone else’s shoulders? It’s vital to get all this straight in your own mind before you open your mouth.

Be sure to lay the groundwork before moving ahead. Don’t blunder into a hasty or careless confession. Don’t just blurt something out at an inappropriate moment. Instead, make a plan with the guidance of your counselor. Pray about what you’re going to say and write it down. Sleep on it and read it over again before telling your wife that you need to talk. Be thoughtful and deliberate in your comments, and be prepared for any reaction. If you feel the situation could become volatile or unsafe in any way, consider inviting a third party to be present or arrange to have the conversation in a safe place where it’s still possible to carry on in private. You will want to give this option special consideration if your spouse suffers from mental or emotional disorders of any kind.

Once you start talking, there are a few things you’ll want to be sure to include in your statement and a couple you should probably avoid at all costs. Do say, “I was wrong” and “I’m sincerely sorry.” Don’t get drawn into explaining the affair within the context of your confession — there may be many factors that explain your actions, but they don’t excuse them. It’s also not a good idea to rush immediately into asking for forgiveness.

Your spouse will probably need to process the information received before he or she is ready to think about that. You can indicate that while you know you don’t deserve it, you sincerely hope that in time your spouse will be able to forgive you. Give them the space required for this. Make an effort to help your spouse sort through their own feelings. Say something like, “I know how much I’ve hurt you, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to start over and rebuild our relationship.”

If you can, use word pictures to bring that message home. Make a real effort to empathize — whether you realize it or not, your empathy will be a major factor in your spouse’s healing. Take special care to say, “I want you to understand that this is not about you, the kind of person you are, or your attractiveness.” The more specific you can be in this regard, the easier your spouse will find it to move forward in a positive direction. If appropriate, give him or her permission to “vent” by sharing this information with a close friend.

We should add that, in most cases, it isn’t a good idea to share graphic information about the sexual aspects of the affair. This kind of information can create persistent and damaging visual images in your wife’s mind. The exception to this rule is when you’re being pressed to provide such information. If your spouse specifically asks you to tell her exactly “what happened” and you refuse — even out of a sincere desire to protect her — you could end up destroying trust and thus undermining the relationship. If you find yourself in this position, be sure to preface your disclosure by warning her that it may be extremely hurtful.

Once the whole story is out on the table, you and your spouse should get into marital counseling together as soon as possible. Depending on the dynamics of your circumstances, individual therapy for both of you may be recommended prior to joint sessions. Your marriage can be restored and revived if you’re willing to do the hard work required to put your relationship back on track.