Grace, Love, & RestНамуна

Oh My Soul

Over a year ago, David Leonard joined me and my wife at our studio here in Tulsa and wrote the song Oh My Soul. I was tired, weary, and worn out. I was quietly wrestling with alcoholism and had been for some time. I’m sure there are reasons that I started drinking to excess but at this point it had just become a habit in my life like putting on shoes or taking a shower. It was always a companion to me throughout each day. As we wrote the bridge of this song, the words came out from a deep part of my fractured soul:  When I came to Jesus I was weary, worn, and sad. Throughout the next year I would make numerous unsuccessful attempts to cut back on my daily drinks. With the exception of my patient and encouraging wife, I was trying to conquer my addiction alone.

This past June, I turned 40. My wife put together the greatest birthday celebration I’ve ever had—even flying in my best friend, Paul, from Phoenix. She and some of my closest friends surprised me with a beautiful meal, and I kept saying that I couldn’t believe that this was for me. I didn’t feel worthy of this level of love. At one point, a chef at the restaurant told me to quit saying I wasn’t worthy, adding, “Obviously, these people love you!” When I took my friend Paul to the airport a few days later, he asked me if I had any goals for my 40th year. I can only assume he knew what I was needing, as he was one of the few close enough to know of my battle. I told him I wanted to quit drinking. I told a few other people about this goal, and even started attending some AA meetings, though I communicated that I wasn’t ready to completely quit drinking.

A few months into my 40th year, our pastor was preaching a series called “Do You Want to Be Well?” As I sat there, I ached for that. I wanted to be whole but didn’t even know if it was possible. Weeks later I would find myself in Amarillo, at Noelle’s parents’ house, sitting alone in the bathroom drinking screwdrivers in the middle of the night while reading a book. My actions felt pathetic to me. I felt foolish, like a child who couldn’t put down an iPad. The next morning, I had coffee with my father in law, Garth. He was one of the few I had told about my goal to quit drinking. He lovingly asked me how I was doing with it and I told him it wasn’t going very well. I broke down. “I don’t want to live this way anymore”, I told him. Then, it struck me--I could just quit. I could decide I was going to be a guy who didn’t drink. He prayed for me, we cried, embraced and I headed back home. As soon as I got home I went upstairs to the bathroom where just hours ago I had polished off a bottle of Vodka and I created a simple Instagram post. The black text on a white background said this:

I DON’T WANT TO DRINK ANYMORE

What’s happened since that morning, now 64 days ago, is nothing short of miraculous. I have seen an outpouring of both love and encouragement. Dozens of friends and strangers have opened up to me about their similar battles. Something exceptional happened when I made myself vulnerable. In that posture of honesty, God’s power broke through my shame and secrets. When I found myself “weary, worn, and sad” I was met with the gentle grace of God and loving encouragement from my community. It has been in this gracious community, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that I have begun to heal and uncover broken things to which I had once been numb. Now that I clearly see and feel the pain, I’ve been able to invite the Lord to come to those specific areas of my heart and give me rest. And He is making me glad. He is taking my sorrow and transforming it to joy. Confession is good for the soul. It breathed life in mine. I believe it can in yours as well.

I don’t know what you’re carrying, but you weren’t intended to carry it alone—so go on and share your burdens. Tell your soul to rejoice. Remind yourself that Jesus said, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”. His yoke is easy and his burden light. He is trustworthy, and He is your help. Take some time to search your heart, and confess your sin, releasing those things keeping you from truly experiencing the joy He has made available to you. Ask God to heal you, to make you well. Then watch and see what He can do with a humble heart. I’ll bet it will be beautiful. I’ll bet He will make dead things come alive and joy rise up in your tired soul. Then go and tell a friend. Pray with them, ask them what their battle is. Jesus says, come and learn from Me. Let’s do that together. 

Grace and Peace my friends,
Ben Kilgore