Calming Angry KidsНамуна

A Parent’s External Response to Anger

When we are angry at our kids, we often respond similarly to how our parents responded in anger to us. During my growing-up years, my stepdad went from calm to slap-you-on-the-side-of-the-head angry in fifteen seconds flat. I found myself repeating that cycle. Most of the time I dealt with my children’s disobedience in a peaceful manner, and then something small would push me over the edge and I’d get mad. I wouldn’t hit, but flicks to the shoulder, smacks on the hand, or a firm squeeze on my child’s arm let my child know I was serious.

Then one day I realized I was following in my stepdad’s foot- steps. I was sitting next to my son while he colored. I moved to swipe his bangs out of his eyes and he flinched. His fear broke my heart. I offered a loving gesture, but that wasn’t what my son expected. After that, I began to work on stopping those angry actions. I turned to God and prayed about my anger. If I felt frustration building, I’d count to ten and then offer up a quick prayer that God would help me not respond in anger. I’m thankful my older kids can’t remember that angry mom.

When it comes to anger, we can always do better. We will get angry. We will become frustrated. But how we handle ourselves is up to us. 

Why do our kids get in our faces when they get mad? It’s an invitation for us to join them. They want us to engage and escalate with them. Why? First, when we escalate with our children, they feel justified. If we get angry, then they can stay angry. Anger feeds more anger, and in the moment it’s a powerful feeling for our kids. Second, when our children are angry and we get angry at them, then they become the victims. Suddenly they’re crying because of our behavior. 

Sometimes becoming angry has become a bad habit. Other times we just want to get our kids to do what we say. Sometimes we simply want to win the fight. (Who doesn’t want to win?) Yet we parents win when we stay controlled. When we stay calm, our kids are able to calm down more quickly. When we stay calm, we can think clearly. We maintain control, and we make good choices about how we act, what we say, and how we discipline. More than that, by remaining calm, we are positive role models for our kids. After all, how can we tell our kids to control themselves when we’re not willing to do the same? 

This is what our kids need to see—us dealing with an angry child and maintaining control. Being able to deal with angry people and hard situations is a necessary part of life.