Help For A Hurting MarriageНамуна

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman 

Myths We May Believe

I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage. But first, they need to look at what they believe. I call this reality living.

Reality living begins by identifying the myths that have held you captive. Then it accepts them for what they are—myths, not truths. Reality living means you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It requires you to appraise your life situation honestly and refuse to shift the blame for your unhappiness to others. Here are four myths that many people in desperate marriages base their lives on.

Myth Number One: “My environment determines my state of mind.” This myth is expressed in statements like these: “If I grew up in a loving, supportive family, I will be a loving, supportive person.” “If I grew up in a dysfunctional family, then I am destined to failure in relationships.” “My emotional state depends on the actions of my spouse.” 

This kind of approach to life renders anyone helpless in a hostile environment. Your environment certainly affects who are you, but it does not control you. It may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage or your life.

Myth Number Two: “People cannot change.” This myth asserts that once people reach adulthood, personality traits and behavior patterns are set in concrete. Those who believe this myth reason that if a spouse has demonstrated a certain behavior for a long period of time, he or she will continue to act this way. If you accept this myth as truth, you will experience feelings of futility and hopelessness. The fact is, you can find biographies of people—adults—who have made radical changes in their behavior patterns.

Myth Number Three: “In a troubled marriage, I have only two options—resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.” Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives and then become a prisoner of that choice. Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices. Do not let yourself believe that you have only two options in a desperate marriage. Don’t simply settle for misery or divorce.

Myth Number Four: “Some situations are hopeless—and my situation is one of these.” The person who accepts this myth believes: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless. The hurt is too deep. The damage is irreversible. There is no hope. This kind of thinking leads to depression and sometimes even to suicide. You may have struggled in your marriage for years. You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked. You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless. Don’t let yourself believe that. Your marriage is not beyond hope. 

Reality living, which begins by recognizing the myths and continues by rejecting those myths, ends up embracing the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship.

REACT: Which of these myths have you believed? Do you agree that one person in a troubled relationship can take action to “stimulate constructive change”? What can you do today as one step? If your friend or loved one is in a strained marriage, how can you encourage them today?