Fierce Marriage By Ryan And Selena FrederickНамуна

Authentic Marriage

It'’s easy, in our culture, to idealize marriage. This is especially true for younger generations who have grown up seeing reality through the lens of social media. Authenticity is applauded and sharing your real life is celebrated—just as long as it’s not too authentic or too real. 

I (Ryan) once counseled a couple who met on a popular photo-sharing app. Months into their marriage he was already looking to run—completely panicked. “She’s crazy!” he told me. But he wasn’t innocent; she had complaints of her own. “He’s untrustworthy and prideful!” she insisted. Neither person turned out to be who the other expected them to be. Their individual selfishness created chaos in every area of their marriage. 

I think this couple was expecting a share-worthy marriage but what they got was a little too real—a little too authentic. I could only reply, “What exactly did you expect worse to look like?” 

It’s uncanny how many couples we meet who are shocked when they experience true difficulty in their marriage for the first time. I’m not talking about bickering about which direction the toilet paper should unroll or how to correctly squeeze the toothpaste. I’m talking about rubber-meets-the-road difficulty—the kind where both spouses wonder what they got themselves into and how they can get out. I’m talking about the kind of difficulty where sin looks like sin: unattractive, destructive, and dark. 

The gospel revolutionizes marriage because in it, Jesus lovingly calls us to admit that we’re sinners who desperately need his help. Jesus is God’s love made flesh, but his love always goes hand-in-hand with calling would-be disciples to repentance. Calling us to repent is the most loving thing God can do. Anything less is an incomplete gospel and is idealistic, false, and bound to disappoint. 

A husband and wife in a gospel-centered marriage never expect each other to be perfect. Instead, they fully expect to fall short and always trust that Jesus is more than enough to meet their every need (2 Peter 1:3). They also expect to experience repentance regularly from both sides of the equation. That’s the beauty of grace-fueled sanctification within the safety of covenant marriage—both spouses see their imperfection while valuing repentance as the character-refining work of the Holy Spirit. 

What expectations did you have about marriage that turned out to be unrealistic? If a gospel-centered marriage doesn't expect perfection, what expectations can you have for your marriage, your spouse, and yourself?