Breakup With HeartbreakUzorak

Don’t Just Go Through It, Grow Through It

When I lived in Miami, my pastor used to say, “Don’t just go through it; grow through it.” He highlighted the common survival mindset of just getting by and passing through challenging circumstances and missing the opportunity to be refined in the process. Let’s be honest; no one gets excited about being humbled, disappointed, or heartbroken. When faced with one of these circumstances, we tend to numb out and rush to move on without reflecting on the situation to grow from it.

Hear me out; I’m not saying bad things happen to you so that God can teach you something. That kind of theology makes me want to hurl. We have a good Father who longs for us to live in wholeness. But just like any good father, He allows us to find our strength and grow so we can live out our full potential.

Many of us who experience heartbreak avoid taking a hard look in the mirror because we’re afraid of what we might see. We’re afraid our fear of not being good enough will be confirmed. We’re afraid God isn’t going to come through for us. We’re afraid we won’t get the thing we desire because we believe we’re undeserving, so we eagerly strive to protect our hearts from ever being known. These fears aren’t helping us at all. They will continue to lead us down a path of perpetual heartache if we don’t stop learning from our journey.

How do we grow through these painful experiences without feeling like our world is spinning out of control? I’ve found extreme growth in reflecting on what caused me pain and asking myself a series of questions. If it was a breakup, I ask myself what I could have done better in the relationship to have shown that person love. I ask myself if I felt safe in the relationship. I ask God if I ignored His guidance at any point and to teach me to listen to His voice better. I reflect on how the person treated me and if it aligned with how a man should value and honor me. We tend to romanticize a person after a breakup because we miss how they made us feel, but an important thing to do is remind yourself of the little things you may have ignored in the relationship. Those little red flags build up over time until they reveal a chasm of differences. I celebrate the beauty of what we had and then remind myself of the reasons why I knew it needed to end. Then I promised myself not to repeat a pattern of attraction to those toxic traits that caused the relationship to end.

If it was a disappointment in another area, I take time to be honest with God and ask Him what He’s doing. Sometimes He reminds me there isn’t always an answer. Sometimes He leads me to take time to have fun with my friends. Sometimes, the ‘lesson’ isn’t a life-changing revelation. Sometimes it’s a gentle reminder of the witness of God-confidence that He is present even in our darkest hour. Psalm 13:1-2 comforts me to know I’m not the only one who can get dramatic with God. David is crying out and says,

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”

Ok, I can get down with a passage like that. David is letting God have it! But He doesn’t stop there. He continues in an astonishing turn of emotion. David says,

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalm 13:5-6)

Wow. David recognized that while he was all up in his feelings, his circumstances didn’t diminish God’s goodness.

I think we can all relate to David and use these verses as a template for growing through difficult times. What questions might you ask yourself to reflect and grow from your journey? Don’t ask yourself what you can ‘learn’ from your pain, but how is God revealing His withness? How can you know yourself and allow your heart to be known as you heal?