From Sorrow to Joy. How to Overcome Shame From Rejection.Shembull

Bearing the weight of what we perceive as a failure lays a burden of perfectionism and fear over us. Fear leads to attempting to manipulate circumstances and takes us down the dangerous trajectory of control.

Fear is also a root cause of shame, as it's this unending wonder of being found out. What if there were some things I could have done differently to change the outcome? Why didn't I see this betrayal going on behind my back for so long? I thought I knew this person. Essentially, fear robs you of your joy. When you are betrayed or abandoned, you internalize the shame of it all by overly critiquing your thoughts and decisions in hopes of not making a mistake. You do to yourself what you believe you could have done to the person who hurt you to prevent the hurt. You think through every scenario because you can't stomach the thought of walking through the darkness of not knowing or getting crushed by unexpected news. This is a form of fear-driven perfectionism that sometimes is wrapped in Christian jargon, such as "I am making sure that all that I do is in God's will." This sounds moral and scriptural, but when perfectionism, fueled by fear of failure, incites these words, the truth is that you are fearful and hoarding guilt, shame, what-ifs, and regret from past experiences. This is a restless state of being.

I remember going through years of deep anxiety and second-guessing myself. I'd think through every possible scenario before deciding. Most times, the fearful thoughts won. I had disconnected myself from trusting in the reasonable judgment God had given through His word, and instead, I'd rely on the instinct of fear that was fueling my suspicions. I couldn't trust or accept anything good that occurred in my life, nor could I let go of fully and release the wrong relationships and circumstances that were intertwined with certain aspects of my life. Everything felt shaky and unsure. I didn't trust people; I didn't trust myself, and I was striving every day to trust God. I lived double-minded; "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8 KJV

One day, I fell to my knees, exhausted from overthinking, weary from living in passiveness, and deeply disappointed at all I was living through. I prayed, "Lord, please help me; I surrender to your plan." I am tired of the mental gymnastics of thinking through every dark way this decision can lead to, and I am also worn out of trying to control the outcome. I said, "Lord, I don't know how to live in your peace or accept that I am not perfect and that my decisions aren't solely the reasons for this shame." As I cried, it was as if the Holy Spirit illuminated this truth in my heart that I was bearing the weight of someone else's choices. Instead of trusting God to heal my sin and purify me, I also held on to the sins done to me; in many ways, the humiliation wasn't my own but those who hurt me.

Then, I began to think that the season of depression that I navigated wasn't merely from my choices, but it was the decisions of others that affected me the most. The reason I was crying out with the question, "But did my father love me," was because, for all of my forty years, I wondered if he did. It was a subconscious thought that I had buried, but I was searching and hoping for a response of, yes, he did. I will never know that answer because he passed away when I was 15, but one thing I am sure of: God loves me, and God loves you. Sometimes, shame prevails because we focus more on human love than God's supernatural eternal love.

As I prayed and read through God's word, I began to cling to the "Fear not." I didn't need to fear because God had promised I would not be put to shame, neither would I be confounded because He would make me forget the shame and abandonment from my youth, and I would not remember the reproach of being abandoned because of grief and divorce. In light of this revelation, I have made peace with my past experiences and entrusted all that I am and the experiences that shaped my perception into the hands of God. The Lord Himself has redeemed my past, renewed my mind, and restored hope to a once shame-filled heart. God can do the same for you too!

Over the last few days, I've shared my personal journey to freedom. This isn't to put the focus of Isaiah 54 on me but to testify how God's truth revived my heart through the power of His Word. When sorrow fills your heart, you don't have to stay stuck in the depths of the pain. Instead, you can fall to your knees in prayer, surrender, and trust. The Lord will gather you with His promise of mercy.

God is your Redeemer. You may be grieved in spirit, forsook, and feel desolate this season, but be of good cheer. Life won't always be this hard. The answered questions shouldn't be the focal point, nor continuously replaying the events that happened to you. Instead, pray and ask the Lord to heal your heart and restore your faith in Him.

Shame from broken relationships comes in differing ways, not only in marriages and divorce but also in wounds that keep families from nurturing healthy relationships, fractured friendships, infertility, miscarriage, infant loss, and many other circumstances. God is a 'restorer', and He always has a plan in a plan. God can and will turn your sorrow into joy when you trust the weaving of your circumstance into His perfect purpose.

How do you overcome shame from rejection and find joy in Christ? Here are a few practical tips to help you heal.

1. Pray through the disappointment—you've got to name it and call it out for what it was and what it did to you at that moment (how it made you feel and what lie you believed). We are going after the lies. Then, you replace it with the truth of God's word.

2. Surrender the pain, questions, and disappointment to God in prayer. God hears our prayers and will answer through Godly counsel, His word, and prayers.

3. Follow peace—as much as it lies within you, pursue peace with all your heart. It will look different in every situation, but peace must begin with making peace with your past and relying on God's peace, which is contingent on the joy found in Christ's plans for your future.

My dear sister or brother, You could not have known things would turn this way, so let it go. Don't keep hiding behind the shame of rejection or trying to control outcomes through perfectionism. Things happened, people changed, and circumstances don't always go the way we planned, BUT GOD STILL HAS A PLAN.

Be encouraged.