Beyond Awkward Side HugsShembull

Scripture encourages us to treat other believers as fellow children in God’s family, and our spouse deserves that honor too. “Be imitators of God, as beloved children,” writes the apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:1). He then gives admonitions against sexual immorality, coarse language, and addictions, and encourages the pursuit of wisdom, good time management, the fruits of a Spirit-filled life, encouragement, and gratitude. These are to be hallmarks of every Christian life, which includes every Christian marriage. We are a family, my husband and our children and I. We are also all children of God—siblings in Christ—and our behavior toward each other as a family needs to model the character of the Greater Family to which we belong. I was confronted with this truth several years ago in one of my less-than-best-self moments.

“That’s God’s beloved son you are talking about,” my friend warned, cutting me off mid-rant as I vented about something my husband had done. I deflated. In all my complaining to both God and my listeners of choice, I was aggrieved that anyone, much less my husband, could be treating me—a daughter of God!—this way. I felt ignored, sidelined, and very angry. My friend’s words brought much-needed perspective.

God is my husband’s parent, too, and God’s demeanor toward my husband is one of love and instruction, not shaming and judgment. God disciplines the children he loves (Hebrews 12:6); he does not discard or judge them. I may ask God to deal with my husband, but I dare not call down imprecatory psalms on his head. Sometimes it helps me to pause and think of our marriage disagreements as sibling squabbles, with God our Father as a parent. Do I really think he will take sides here? Or is he grieved that his son and daughter are hurting, and long for both of us to grow into deeper maturity, exercising patience and long-suffering toward each other? These are certainly things I hope for when my children fight.

Knowing that marriage means our spouse is both our neighbor and our sibling does some deep work to train us in the ways of kindness and consistency. This is not at odds with seeing a spouse as a lover, nor does it dilute the intensity or undermine the intimacy of marriage. If anything, everyday kindness provides a foundation and atmosphere in which romance and sex are able to thrive long term.