Getting Ready for MarriageShembull

“Communication: The Fastest Route to Connection”

The book of Proverbs has a lot of relational advice when it comes to the power of words, and we would be wise to consider them. One verse says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many marriage have been saved and strengthened with kindness and affirmation, and many have crashed and burned because of mean-spirited and angry words. Wisdom says, “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). Some marriages take this “guarding” caution to the negative extreme and just stop talking altogether. That’s definitely not the answer for your marriage. A better answer is to not say everything you are thinking. If words are going to hurt your spouse, don’t use them. Keep your mouth shut and be wise.

To develop a healthy marriage, you will need to learn to use your words to engage in intimate conversation, share feelings, express needs, inform your spouse, and bring delight. Words are powerful! The key to powerful spoken words is learning what to say, and more importantly, what not to say—which is often more difficult.

We recently asked an older, happily married couple attending our Refreshing Your Marriage conference, “What’s the secret to your longevity and success in marriage?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “One word: filter.” We pushed for more of an explanation, and what followed was powerful. He said that early in their marriage he needed to filter his words. “Sometimes I just had to bite my tongue and not say what I was thinking. I had to learn that kind words built up and harsh words tore down my wife. I needed to filter my words and not say everything I was thinking unless they were words that were intended to build up. I guess I would say that’s been the biggest secret to our longevity and success.”

* How is your communication with your fiancé? Take a look at your words over the past week, how many have built up, and how many have tore down? How can you better your communication in the future?