Hope After AdulteryChikamu

How to heal from infidelity

I interviewed a number of couples from my church who had been through and healed from an affair. I then developed an equation describing healing: Healing = Time x Work x Work.

Time—Adultery is like getting hit by a bus. There’s no shortcut to getting back on your feet. You can work on yourselves and work with a professional counselor, but if time equals almost zero, your healing will be minimal. Many experts suggest that one to two years are needed for most couples to start to trust each other and feel hopeful about the future.

Work—The one who cheated must work. In 4,000 different ways, you will have to be humble. Like telling the whole truth. And talking when he wants to talk (even if you’d rather not). And give her the passwords to all your accounts (even if it feels intrusive). And accepting a break from intimacy for the time being. You must do the holy work of humility.

Work—And the one cheated on must work, too. Work to forgive, to serve, not to use the sin as an excuse for your own sin. 1,000 x 1,000 x 0 = 0, a reminder that your work matters too.

While you work and wait, you can walk with God. His grace will save you when you feel unforgivable or unworthy. His strength will sustain you when you feel you can’t do it another day. “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing” (Psalm 23:1). Nothing. Even while healing from adultery.