When Shame Gets RealChikamu

Unworthy

Love is a basic human need.

Love and belonging are part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, a motivational theory in psychology that separates human needs into five hierarchical tiers, often depicted as a pyramid. These needs, as Maslow postulates, must be fulfilled in order for a human being to grow and realize or fulfill their talents and potentialities (self-actualization).

And while love is not essential to survival, such as breathing, water, or food, a person still needs to feel love and belonging in order to grow.

Love given without conditions is the purest form of love and makes us feel the safest. This is the type of love God has for us—a love that exists regardless of how we behave or act.

However, in the real world, this type of love is in short supply. Rather, much of the love we seek and receive is given and/or withheld based on what we can do for someone else.

In other words, there is a price to be paid.

Recognize, we all have relationships in our lives built on conditional love. Some are expected, such as those one has with their employer where the value of an employee is dependent on their ability to perform and/or tow the company line. But then there are those relationships where the “what have you done for me lately” mentality seems out of place and disrupts our expectations.

Sure, we all understand that a boss might only care about someone if they meet certain demands, but what about a parent, sibling, friend, spouse, or pastor? Aren’t those people supposed to love us for who we are and not what we can do for them?

Sadly, this is often not the case.

Consequently, when we feel the pressure to perform or conform from those we feel closest to because failure to do so will result in the withholding of love and acceptance, it is especially painful and shame-inducing.

Sure, if I don’t come through on a deadline, my boss will give me grief because “that’s what bosses do.”

But my parents, my friends, my spouse... why can’t I seem to live up to their expectations? There must be something wrong with me. Parents should just love their kids, right? So, if I have to do something more to receive that love, then it must be because there is something super flawed with me to begin with.

I must be unworthy of their love.

Conditional love is where the roots of shame originate. And when shame is allowed to gain a foothold in our minds, it frequently drives us to unhealthy choices and behaviors, even addictions, as a means of escape from the realization that no matter what we do or what we say, we can never earn the love we so desperately crave.

The good news is that the unconditional love that God offers us, expressed by the sacrifice of his son Jesus, has the power to uproot the shame we all experience and heal us from those emotional wounds.

Today’s Questions:

• How often do you find yourself trying to earn the love of others?
• Do you ever feel like you can’t be the authentic you without jeopardizing the love you do receive?
• Who in your life offers and/or withholds love based on your performance?
• What is it about your true self that you fear makes you unlovable?