Say All the Unspoken Things: A Book of LettersChikamu

DAY 4: Friendships and Love

My dearest children,

A friend is for you and with you. A rival is against you. Having a friend means you don’t go through life alone. They show up for you and know you; they know all your good, your faults and failures, and still accept you. They know when to be quiet and when to speak the truth. A friend is someone who believes in you even if you no longer believe in yourself. Take initiative to build deep friendships. Take genuine interest in and encourage people without expecting anything in return. Don’t lead with your need for friends. Lead with love. And keep your word. It takes trust and time to build a friendship. Be all those good things you want, and you will attract like-minded friends.

When you worry about being accepted and pleasing others, you are living in fear. Your boundaries show what you will accept and not accept from other people. This comes from knowing who you are and what your values are. Boundaries help keep the good in and the bad out in your friendships and relationships with others. You are responsible for setting these boundaries for what you will accept in your interactions with others. They determine the quality of your relationships. When someone disrespects you and steps over your boundary, it is critical to stand up for yourself and say no, even if it means losing the relationship.

Love is a way of interacting with others. Love is warm. It is not cold or objective when another heart is broken or sad or suffering. Love is moved with compassion. Love cares. Love is not measured by words but by actions. Believe actions, not words. Love does not punish. It does not hurt back. Ask yourself if you are this way. Pray and seek to become these things as you express your love.

Love requires opening up and knowing and being known. Intimacy requires courage. Opening up to others, risking being vulnerable, creates space for love and friendship to grow. Love calls you to be brave, but it is built slowly over time with mutual intimate knowledge and trust. Be patient.

There is a love that is side by side: friendship. And there is a love that is face-to-face: romantic love. This face-to-face, romantic love is a weighty thing. It requires more than youthful idealism or hope. It needs maturity. Caution. Wisdom. Pacing. And the gift of time. Romantic love is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the frivolous or reckless. The strongest relationships and marriages are a combination of both loyal friendship and face-to-face appreciating and beholding. It is not childish or needy.

Most loving relationships have cycles and seasons. And at the beginning they are full of new relationship energy. Over time, it is normal for this to change, to even out. When love becomes our god, we lose our faith when feelings go away. God is love, but love is not and will never be God. Love is something we create with care, time, and intention. Romantic love is something you and your person build together. Love is a way of being and knowing each other, which always deepens with time.

I love you,
Dad

Respond

How would you describe the quality of your friendships? What are these relationships built on?

How have you defined love in the past? How can you create space for love and friendship to grow?

How does your relationship with God influence the love you have for others?

Prayer

Thank you, Lord, that you are our example of love and that your Word helps us understand what love looks like in our friendships and relationships with others. Help us to create healthy boundaries and a place of trust where authentic love and friendship can grow and deepen with time. Amen.